Feature

The Circus: Toure's sheikh and bake

Jubilation... Things may have been much different for Yaya Toure had the Premier League, in conjunction with Manchester City, awarded him a 31st birthday cake instead of a mere title-winning trophy. (SBS mock-up)

Who gets to play the role of 'Yaya Toure' in Hollywood's next film about a toddler that gets trapped inside the body of a 31 year-old footballer and how he deals with his club's refusal to acknowledge his birthday? The Circus investigates.

Why was he born so beautiful?

Look. Yaya Toure has taken a bit of stick over his threats to leave Manchester City because no one wished him a happy birthday.

And on the surface, The Circus supposes he does seem to be acting like a spoiled, immature, boorish, puerile, infantile, cosseted, over-indulged, pampered dipstick of the highest order.

And a jerk. A really, really big jerk.

But that’s just on the surface. Let’s take a deeper look at YT’s behaviour shall we? Hmmm?

First, he spits his gold-plated dummy because of the “disrespect” the club has shown him for not singing a rousing chorus of “for he’s a jolly good fellow” on his 31st birthday (even though, as it turns out, it did).

Then, his “adviser” - a man whose services he has retained, let us not forget - lambasts City using phrases including “it’s really sick”, “none of them even shook his hand” and “no Sheikh can buy a relationship”.

Just to be clear, this is because of, allegedly, not wishing a grown man a happy 31st birthday. Birthday number 31.

At first Yaya rubbished his “adviser”, urging his “supporters” to not “believe” a word that did not come out of his mouth.

But about an hour later, YT changed tack, suggesting words that did not emanate from his own mouth could be believed after all (relief for subscribers to Isaac Newton’s law of gravity) and that his “adviser” was entirely correct!

This is despite Manchester City releasing video evidence contradicting the accounts of both Toure and his “adviser”.  

So to summarise: Yaya is an emotional yoyo who cracks the sulks at imagined provocations and stubbornly refuses to deal with the facts as they are.

The Circus thinks it is pretty clear what is happening here; a situation foreseen by Hollywood in films from ‘Freaky Friday’ to ‘Like Father Like Son’ to ‘Face Off’.

Yaya Toure is actually a nine-year-old inside the body of a 31 year-old man. Just like Tom Hanks used to be:

So he isn’t acting like an overgrown capricious git after all; he’s just a confused little boy . . . albeit an extremely obnoxious one.

And look! The Circus has found Yaya’s handwritten wish-list of teammates for next season

Well that’s just darling!

The 10 commandments . . . and others

Serious football is over and everyone is sort of just sitting around, furiously writing out belated birthday wishes to Yaya Toure and waiting for the World Cup to begin.

All of which means it is the season of lists and rankings and ranking lists and lists ranking things into an order people can argue about and online columnists can turn into long, torturous sentences that don’t really say anything.

The good news is Australia has been rated right near the top of nations competing in the World Cup... for kit design.

 The Socceroos have been given a four out of five for both home and away kits, while Spain’s away shirt rates a miserable one.

The Circus almost pities the Spanish. They sure are going to look ridiculous when they run out against our boys in the group stage.

And Bloomberg, the organisation whose raison d’être appears to be to suck the joy and spontaneity out of football, has statistically ranked the top 50 players in Europe’s best five leagues.

 The zombie Luis Suarez rates as number one, while diminutive genius who everybody hates for some reason now, Lionel Messi, is number two.

 Curiously, Bloomberg’s analysis was not enough to push Messi into La Liga’s best XI for season 2013-14.

Sadly for its opponents at the upcoming World Cup, the same mob will not be selecting Argentina’s best XI.

And lastly, Dutch journalists eager to help their cross-channel colleagues, have issued a list of 10 rules to follow when attempting to interview shiny new Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal.

 Scary stuff but The Circus thinks they missed the commandment about having dog whisperer Cesar Millan present at van Gaal’s side during every interview:

Does Cesar whisper to dogs in Dutch? Is that his secret?

 Lifecycle

Time, like beauty, is fleeting.

 Which is why watching this animation of Ryan Giggs makes The Circus a little bit happy and a little bit sad at the same time.

Spoken word

“Give me six months and I’d organise them”.

- Roy Hodgson claims that, given enough time, he could make a pub team competitive with Manchester United. How many months has he had with England?