As Liverpool figures out how best to get Andy Carroll to fire, a Brazilian footballer learns it pays to be environmentally friendly.
The Circus, Pat Devery

12 Apr 2012 - 11:00 AM  UPDATED 3 Mar 2014 - 4:59 PM

A game within a game

ROI – not the next Brazilian football star but what those types in 4WDs call getting your money’s worth. Liverpool, sick of not getting its money’s worth out of Andy Carroll, has invented a new game, one that he’s actually good at.

Flush with confidence at hitting a soft ball over a tiny net with a child’s toy, Carroll subsequently starred in the Reds’ 10-man win over Blackpool, a club that obviously does not have a secondary make-believe game to fall back on.

Bet that made Kenny Dalglish happy:

Then again, maybe not.

At least John Barnes seemed chuffed... or to be having a stroke:

Perhaps Roberto Mancini should invent a game to improve the output of Mario Ballotelli, something that combines all the stuff he’s actually good at. How about 'kicking gold darts at the legs of homeless from the window of a supercar’? Or what the marketeers might call KGDATLOHFTWOAS.

The Circus thinks it’s more likely to catch on than Ballotelli’s other game – BASL, or as the uninitiated refer to it: breaking Alex Song’s leg.

The official line

Interestingly - or, more accurately, amazingly - Ballotelli escaped any sanction for the above challenge because in the ref's opinion it did not constitute a foul at the time.

The same man thinks Germany's invasion of Poland was just a bit of cross-border japery and Highlander 2 was not a violent affront to all that is good and decent in the world.

And things only got worse for officialdom when UEFA fined Manchester City $38,000 for tardiness and Porto just €12,666 for racism. Priorities much?

God help you if turn up late when denigrating someone for their ethnicity; unless you try to cleave their shin in two with the studs of your boot - then you'll probably win a prize.

Like a night out with Mohamed Al Fayed so he can explain why referees are easier to sway than Royal Inquiries into the death of princesses.

Yes, all is going swimmingly in football land. No wonder Sepp Blatter is dancing.

Under the bridge

Motherwell's bus driver may have found the mother lode of trouble after getting the team stuck under an Edinburgh bridge after its 1-1 draw with Hibs.

The incident got The Circus a-wondering: when was the last time someone in football misjudged the height of something so badly?

Corruption of youth

Remember that Simpson's episode when Homer wins a Grammy and he gives it to the bellhop who tosses it over the hotel balcony?

Ladies and gentlemen, AC Milan midfielder Sulley Muntari is football's Grammy award:

Nice one, kid - he's not going to be led astray.

Unlike the young boy posing for this photo with Santos Laguna defender Felipe Baloy.

Notice something amiss in the pic? That's right, the plastic bag. Most environmentally unfriendly.

Next time you buy soft porn literature, Felipe Baloy, insist on a paper bag - the earth will love you for it. And they're more opaque.

The spoken word

'We will win the World Cup in 2014." – Brazil boss Mano Menezes throws petrol on the host nation’s bonfire of hope leading into the next World Cup.

Italy’s (and Mario Ballotelli’s) manager, Cesare Prandelli, also believes he will win the World Cup in 2014... the World Cup of KGDATLOHFTWOAS.