EPL Circus - 30 October

Kremmen of the Mersey

Luis Suarez has been accused of many things, but comic genius had not been one of them ... until now.

Liverpool boss Brendan Rogers enjoyed Suarez's feigned dive (not an oxymoron) after scoring the opener in the derby against Everton so much that he bestowed upon the much maligned Uruguayan the ultimate accolade known to man: scouse wit.

In The Circus's books, Suarez is now right up there with another Liverpudlian funny man Kenny Everett, who, in the 1980s, said, "once Britain was an empire, and we were ruled by an emperor. Then Britain became a kingdom, and we were ruled by a king. Now Britain is a country, and we are ruled by Margaret Thatcher."

For reasons it cannot explain, that anecdote has put The Circus in mind of FIFA, which has released a shortlist for the Ballon D'or that includes several EPL players and Mario Balotelli.

That's right, Mario Balotelli is being considered for world's MVP.

Mario Balotelli.

His manager, Roberto Mancini, probably would not agree but he knows nothing about football, which is why Pep Guardioloa is in the frame to replace him at Manchester City.

But back to Suarez and, for the sake of comparison, here is his Buster Keaton-inspired flop (just as well FFA was not ruling on it otherwise it would have issued Martin Skrtel with a retrospective red card); and here is Everett creation, Captain Kremmen:

That clip dates about as well as Rio Ferdinand, doesn't it?

An official falling down

Referees, sick of criticism of aloofness, have attempted to relate more to modern players by speaking like players, thinking like players and sledging like players.

This is wonderful news, because officials only previously suspected of being jerks can now be proved so conclusively.

Of course, there is an argument that respect for referees - subjected as they are to ever increasing levels of hysteria and bullying from players, not to mention managerial taunts and threats to their independence - has been so systematically eroded that a point when the venom and vitriol started to flow back across the player-official divide would be necessarily reached.

Not that that is an excuse for the remarks alleged to be made by Mark Clattenburg during Chelsea's controversial loss to Manchester United and, anyway, it's boring to look too closely at the things that make other things happen.

If it wasn't, nobody would watch 'This is Liverpool' would they?

Personally, The Circus is looking forward to the day referees start sleeping with players' wives.

Goitre maker

Anybody who has been punched in the neck by a mutant Mike Tyson swinging a super-powered wrecking ball will know exactly how Tottenham midfielder Sandro felt after wearing this one to deny Southampton a late equalizer.

He now speaks like Steve Kean.

Spoken word

"I'll take the rollicking and I won't do it again, that's for sure." - Everton captain Phil Neville is not revealing a surprising past in England's public school system, rather issuing a mea culpa for diving against Liverpool.