EPL Circus - 16 October

Internationals dominated the weekend, which afforded many playing in the EPL the chance to relax, unwind, learn new skills or have implements of fire rained down upon them.

Arsenal's Lukas Podolski was taken in class by former Gunner and perennial geezer Ray 'Billiards' Parlour for a lesson in how to speak cockney.

The result was predictably hilarious in that it wasn't surprising how unfunny it was:

Lukas's practical German mind at first has a little bit of trouble calling things by names they aren't (or as The Circus likes to call them, Shearerisms but soon he was off to the Fat Boy Slim with the Trouble'n'Strife before heading to the Rubber with some Chinas for a Britney or three ... which sounds like a normal weekend for some players even without the rhyming slang.

Lukas had the bleedin' Fridge Freezer patter down so well that when the cameras stopped rolling he turned to Parlour and said "'ere Billiards, as a Main Feature you're absolutely Bradley Pitt!"

Perhaps, as Germany has won three World Cups and England just one, the roles should be reversed and home players should be sitting down in front of Das Boot or Nosferatu or Hogan's Heroes or something.

Meanwhile, Didier Drogba and several other Premier League players were caught up in a bit of a kerfuffle when the Senegal v Ivory Coast World Cup qualifier was abandoned due to rioting:

It seems the home fans sensed elimination was imminent and did the only sensible thing, lighting fires, tearing up chairs and successfully having the match called off.

Pity such behaviour is so un-Australian otherwise we might be able to keep the Socceroos in contention a bit longer.

Anfield's Julian Clairys

Liverpool's home ground is being redeveloped so more people will be able to see Luis Suarez trip over the fairies that live on the perimeter of the box.

As Lukas Podolski says, "that Garden Tool Suarez sure goes Chubby Brown Ham and Cheesy. What a Strawberry Split!"

Wayne Rooney, he aint half Robin Hood

First he is expecting baby No. 2, then a San Merino player wants his shorts and now, even Polish opponents are lining up to praise freckled and flawed genius Wayne Rooney.

It's got Lukas Podolski perplexed.

"What's with the Turtle Dove for that Lemon Squeezer Rooney? He's got a Loaf like an Uncle Gus. And never mind the Barnet! Cor blimey!"

Spoken word

"He is tiresome to defend against. He is a cheat. He pulls your shirt, giving you small kicks all the time. You always want to give him a kick, but you have to be careful not to be red carded."

- Yet another member of the Luis Saurez fan club is outed, this time in the form of Arsenal's Laurent Koscielny who is just itching to give the Liverpool striker a little Magic Trick.