The Circus - 13 October

Ronaldo, hat-tricks and making a difference

When Ronaldo and the ball-juggling ex-model Milene Domingues had a child, they named him after the mascot of a hamburger chain. "My wife and I eat a lot at McDonald's so we chose Ronald", the gap-toothed one explained at the time.

Although The Circus never saw it coming, in hindsight this was maybe a sign that Ronaldo might struggle to keep the weight off once his playing career was over.

Since retiring last year the Brazil striker has ballooned to the point where the needle on his bathroom scales has swung right past 'washed-up sitcom actress' and is now nudging 'mining magnate'. Weighing in at 118kg, he has signed up with the Brazilian version of the reality show 'Celebrity Fit Club' in an attempt to shed the pounds and, naturally, make a difference in the lives of others.

"I want people to be inspired by me," he vowed, before spray-coating the room with body sweat while jogging on a tiny trampoline.

As if to provide a reminder of Ronaldo in happier times, Spanish journalist Lluis Lainz has released a book called De Puertas Adentro (Behind Closed Doors) in which he tells one behind-the-scenes story for each of Barcelona's 113 years.

Ronaldo spent just one year at the Nou Camp but did enough with his time to secure a chapter in Barca's never-before-told history. Lainz takes up the story after our man has entered the stadium with two women:

"Ronaldo was slow to come out and the stadium security soon became concerned. In a moment of responsibility, a security guard decided to see if Ronaldo was having any problems. The security guard then had a huge surprise when he found the three having sex on one of the couches."

Club president Josep Lluis Nunez is reported to have asked for the story to be hushed up, saying: "Don't you understand that he is a 20-year-old who just wants to have fun?"

South of the border

FIFA's Respect campaign is going well in Mexico. Veteran midfielder Cuauhtemoc Blanco, who has 119 caps for the national team, has been fined $2350 for following a referee around the pitch mocking his prominent underbite.

Blanco is 39 years old.

Joey's week

Twitter's Joey Barton weighed in on the Lance Armstrong saga on Thursday, offering a generally thoughtful take on the doping revelations with nuggets like "I'd personally rather look in the mirror and respect the man looking back", and expressing his surprise at Nike's "ill judged" decision to stand by the disgraced cyclist.

This reasoned analysis was tempered ever so slightly by Barton's earlier tweet: "So many annoying c**ts on twitter. I really hope dictator takes control of Britain and starts executing the stupid. I know thats harsh..."

Thinking outside the Angela Merkel

Arsenal and Hull City veteran Ray Parlour sits down with Lukas Podolski for a lesson in London slang.

The spoken word

"We play our game and we play in a different way. The only thing you are waiting for is for it to go bad, it's how the media works. You build up, so then you can destroy. You have built me up, but will never manage to ruin me."

- Zlatan Ibrahimovic takes on Swedish journalists with the sort of cheerful aggression he normally reserves for teammates on the training ground.