The Circus - 2 October

Bruised alter ego

Tottenham beat Manchester United at Old Trafford for the first time since 1807 and that caused Alex Ferguson no small amount of consternation.

Rather than focusing on the 94 minutes of game time, Sit Alex chose to focus on the mysterious amount of minutes that were not played, saying that an added extra four minutes was "an insult" and denied his team "the proper chance to win the football match".

Of course, Ferguson has sung from the other side of the hymn sheet (not to mention the other side of his face) when United has actually lost in the stoppage period despite statistics showing that 'Fergie time' generally works to his team's advantage. 

Basically, Ferguson thinks extra time should have no relation to how much time actually should be added to the clock; it should last for as long or as short a time required for United to be in front.

Luckily his views are not shared by officialdom otherwise we'd still be playing the 2009 UEFA Champions League final.

The question is, can you trust the sharpness of a man who gets Gareth Bale confused with Batman?

What interests The Circus is why the world's most famous football manager – a man that lives and breathes the game – would ever call Gareth Bale Christian Bale?

What's so special about Christian Bale that he is occupying more grey cells in Ferguson's mind than Gareth Bale, a man who had just carved up United, except in the minutes that weren't played at the end?

Maybe Sir Alex likes moonlighting as a superhero himself.

If so, The Circus would love to see his costume. 

The problem with plane people

Foreigners, huh? What with their wild eyes and their crazy food and their hot-blooded shenanigans and snakey-hipped litheness and everything.

No wonder English refs don't trust 'em.

At least that's the claim from Sergio Aguero who believes local players receive "privileged" treatment from officials.

Liverpool, too, have thrown their own spanner into the melting pot, fearing Luis Suarez will never be paid a penalty because referees think him a cheating New-Worlder who'd go to ground sooner than an agoraphobic meerkat.

But hang on a minute, says the president of the Christian Bale fan club, perhaps if all you foreigners stopped toppling over like toddlers on crack there wouldn't be a problem to complain about!

It's a strange attitude from a man whose own team benefits so richly from the talents of non-English players but, then again, maybe experiences with Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez has tainted his attitude somewhat.

After all, he has shown a preference for thinking of Welsh players as English actors.

It is alleged Ferguson later said, "Hoots mon! All these wee foreigners need to assimilate to the English style o' game and stop showin' their national traits so obviouslee! Now, lassee, hand me me haggis. Wa hae!"

Three words . . . second word . . . a bird of some sort

Under pressure, Arsene Wegner impersonates the Hollywood blockbuster Black Hawk Down. 

In happier times, the Frenchman is known to mime more upbeat films and The Circus now hopes Arsenal wrest the title so we can see him doing Cool Runnings.

Spoken word

"For me, he's the boss. I call him the boss because he's the boss".

- Jose Mourinho - who is making noises about returning to the EPL - thinks Alex Ferguson is the boss because he's the boss and Jose calls him the boss.