The Circus - 8 September

A new leaf

Taking his medicine: Adriano, after being warned by Flamengo for missing a training session two weeks into his latest stint at the club. Brazilian media reported the star striker had been involved in a traffic accident after hosting a party in a Rio de Janeiro shantytown where he has childhood friends.

A spokesman for Adriano initially claimed he was simply having a day off and would train the following day. However, the player later took responsibility, saying: "I'll do everything I can to keep this from happening again".

"I had said when I arrived that I would only have this one chance,'' Adriano added. "I have to stop missing practices or my contract will be terminated.''

Number of training sessions Adriano missed before being sacked by Corinthians earlier this year: 67.

Loulou's consolation

French champion Montpellier is struggling. League-leading goalscorer Olivier Giroud has been shipped off to Arsenal, and four games into the new season the club has won just one game, leaving it eight points adrift of Ligue 1 leader Marseille.

So how is flamboyant owner Louis 'Loulou' Nicollin taking it?

Well, he thinks he has identified the problem.

"I'm disappointed," said Nicollin, who made his money in waste processing. "You can always turn round a bad start if you have smart players, but three-quarters of mine are morons, so that won't work."

Nicollin takes comfort in the plight of moneybags rival Paris St Germain, which is only two points better off than Montpellier, despite dumping an enormous quantity of euros on the likes of Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

"When I saw PSG draw 0-0 with Bordeaux, it was comforting," he said. "I said to myself, 'They’re as stupid as we are'."

February: Loulou explains his undeserved reputation for rudeness: "People say worse than I do, just with prettier words. So where I might say: 'I piss in the arse cracks of my critics,' the Toulon owner talks of being 'sodomised by referees'. That is, I suppose, more elegant. You see, if I want, I can speak like the toffs."

Model news

Diego Maradona is "a model" for Emirati athletes to emulate, the secretary general of the Dubai Sports Council says.

Announcing Maradona's new one-year contract to become a special sports adviser to the Dubai Sports Council, Ahmad al-Sharif said Maradona would be tasked with improving the city's sporting image.

"There is no doubt that Maradona is a successful example of what sports can do to a talented individual if he shows dedication, keeps developing his talent and represents his country with honour," al-Sharif said.

Previously on 'What sports can do to a talented individual': Maradona is forced to apologise for kicking an Al Wasl fan in the hand; Maradona is restrained by security after marauding into the stands to confront fans who were taunting his partner; Maradona openly wars with a rival coach who he accuses of celebrating a goal in a provocative manner.

More model news: The source of Cristiano Ronaldo's professional sadness remains a mystery. The question of whether his model girlfriend, Irina Shayk, is wearing a bra does not.

Cow corner

Poland: A Sunday league match is interrupted by a pitch-invading cow which, to the Circus's eye, looks in slightly better shape at this time of the season than Wayne Rooney.

The ghostwritten word

"I said: 'I'm going to get a hair transplant done when I go away for the summer.' I was laying down a marker with the lads, letting them know that I don't care what they think about it, that I'm up for the abuse."

- Wayne Rooney reveals in his new autobiography how he strategically warned his teammates of his decision to get hair plugs. "But they still slaughter me!" he adds.