The Circus - 23 August

P$G not on the money

In a victory for those without oodles of bucks with which to buy the stuff of dreams and shape it into forms resembling the heavenly union of Cristina Hendricks' va-va-voom and Cristiano Ronaldo's self-regard, Paris St-Germain has made the most mediocre start to a season by high-profile French persons since 1940.

Responsible for over two-thirds of the entire competition's transfer spend, PSG has begun with two ho-hum draws and less va-va-voom than Scott McDonald in a Socceroos’ shirt.

It will probably come good (it's only France after all) but it wouldn't be lovely if, just for once, efforts to swap cash for trophies came up short.

Just imagine the kicking Zlatan Ibrahimovic would give everyone then.

Why don’t we do it in the stands

Speaking of heavenly unions, Cologne boss Holger Stanislawski has made the novel suggestion that efforts to curb violence at football matches should include consensual, unprotected sex in the stands.

"I want people to really cheer in the stadium", said Stanisllawski, “swear, mourn, to lie in each other's arms or father children in the stands.

"But please, no violence and no flares!" he added, drawing the line at fisticuffs and appalling retro fashion trends.

In other news, Ryan Giggs has requested a transfer to Cologne.

And in a segue as smooth as Luka Modric’s move to Real Madrid, here is Thabiso Nkoana being “tackled” by Rooi Mahamutsa; and he won’t be fathering any children, in the stands or elsewhere, for a little while yet:

Speed dills

Tottenham Hotspur is closing in on some single-named Brazilian talent with reports indicating Shakhtar Donetsk striker and Black Eyed Peas tribute band honco will.i.an is coming to the London club.

Just don't expect Fergie to make an appearance too, Spurs fans.

But not all Brazilians are as enchanted with the genteel British lifestyle and its ridiculously restrictive driving conditions.

Aresenal's Andre Santos, one of the dwindling number of Brazilian internationals to sport two names, was arrested after taking his Maserati out for 200km/h spin.

But every cloud produced as the result of a millionaire's plaything has a silver lining. Santos, in the tradition of other luminaries Pele, Ronaldhinho and Diesel is now known by just a single name: idiot.

Spoken word

"United offered one amount and PSG offered slightly more. It’s called the law of the market."

- PSG manager Carlo Ancelotti responds to Alex Ferguson's criticism the club is spending too much money with the old pot-kettle-black routine.

The subject of the debate was Brazilian wunderkind Lucas Moura, who Fergie missed out on. It's called sour grapes.