The Circus - 24 May

Poms are pants - it is foretold

England is so confident ahead of the European championship it is sending its players to the tournament without any underwear. Talk about cocky.

But there is at least one man who thinks the old dart's pantless approach will prove a winner. Cristiano Ronaldo says he 'expects' England to win the Championship.

Of course, he also said Italy, Portugal, Netherlands, Germany and Spain would win too.

Ronaldo, realizing that a major tournament just isn't a major tournament without a psychic critter of some sort in tow, is clearly trying to fill the enormous void left by the passing of Paul, the prognostic octopus who did more for the concept of Que Sera Sera than Doris Day.

But he shouldn't have worried. Displaying their famed flair with language, the Ukrainians have unearthed 'Psychic Pig', the psychic pig.

PP, a lover of beer and fried food, will be offered two plates of grub resplendent with national colours before each match. Whichever he eats first will represent the victorious nation.

Unless he's wrong, of course, in which case PP might find himself representing the host nation, and not on the pitch.

Wow, if booze and potato chips is all it takes to develop psychic powers,The Circus is going to call Tomas Brolin and ask him for this week's lotto numbers.

Sporting a new look

As is well known, The Circus loves adjectives that are also verbs; as in, 'the FA has given preening recidivist Joey Barton a 12-match ban'.

So in a segue about as smooth as Alexi Lalas's shave, Louis Van Gaal is set to become Liverpool's first ever 'Sporting Director', which is like any other director except more prone to wear polo shirts and flashy shoes.

Then again, maybe Andre Villas-Boas turned up to pitch for the job of manager sporting director Alfred Hitchcock as an attractive portly-man-sized attache case, which, coincidentally, would be just large enough to fit Andy Carroll's dismembered body.

Drills and dills

Asia: football's new horizon; the sport's promised land; home of famed skill and brutal power:

And also home to muppets:

Spoken word

"At Arsenal [the name John Terry] is another word for an ugly girl. If there’s a girl around that we don’t really like, we use it as a smokescreen, as in: “Have you seen John Terry recently? He’s terrible. I recommend this, it really works." – Feminist and Gunners' custodian Wojciech Szczesny gets all cloak and dagger in his efforts to avoid unwanted attention at night clubs. The Circus can only wonder what the code word 'Nobby Stiles' stands for.