The Circus - 23 February

The Captain or Tennille?

Sugary black drink no.2 has put together the world’s most expensive boy band. Members include Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard and Sergio Aguero. Even Fernando Torres is in it. Apparently the other members are already calling him Andrew Ridgeway.

But the George Michael, the Hall, the Fab Morvan of the group is undoubtedly Lionel Messi.

One young music fan was so thrilled by the master’s inclusion that he had his likeness shaved into the back of his head. And by “likeness” The Circus means not really much alike at all:

Of course, there are levels of crimes against hair and this young man is a mere truant compared to mass murderers.

One for Mr Squiggle

A sheet of paper, found at a Naples hotel recently vacated by the Chelsea football club, purportedly shows the scrawled tactics that are soon to lose Andre Villas-Boas his job.

Maybe Roman Abramovich could spot him an iPad?

Anyways, the tactics didn’t work. Chelsea lost 3-1 and AVB is facing heavy criticism for his strategic acumen.

But nobody could argue with the thinking on the flip side of the sheet of paper. Apparently the handwriting read: ship Fernando Torres off to some rat-shit boy band.

A timely hurt

Napoli’s triumph was preceded by a spontaneous bout of mascot love for its players:

Considering the end result, Villas-Boas could do worse than inform the Chelsea tackers who run out before the game to do likewise; instructions much more likely to followed now that John Terry is injured.

The Blues’ captain could miss the next two months after injuring his knee. He twisted it after sneezing while his foot was in his mouth.

Words don’t come easily

Carlos Tevez’s much-publicised apology did not mention snoods; not one lousy stinking snood. And the experts are calling it “unreserved”.

The spoken word

"When you're walking up the path to school, you don't want little kids laughing at you or making fun of you because you've been beaten. That's what happens if you lose games or get knocked out of competitions. Young kids can be unforgiving. There's nothing in their minds that goes, 'he plays football, leave him alone'. If anything, they're even worse for it.”

- Rio Ferdinand explains why children are horrible and he hates them.