Poms are pants - it is foretold

England is so confident ahead of the European championship it is sending its players to the tournament without any underwear. Talk about cocky.

But there is at least one man who thinks the old dart's pantless approach will prove a winner. Cristiano Ronaldo says he 'expects' England to win the Championship.

Of course, he also said Italy, Portugal, Netherlands, Germany and Spain would win too.

Ronaldo, realizing that a major tournament just isn't a major tournament without a psychic critter of some sort in tow, is clearly trying to fill the enormous void left by the passing of Paul, the prognostic octopus who did more for the concept of Que Sera Sera than Doris Day.

But he shouldn't have worried. Displaying their famed flair with language, the Ukrainians have unearthed 'Psychic Pig', the psychic pig.

PP, a lover of beer and fried food, will be offered two plates of grub resplendent with national colours before each match. Whichever he eats first will represent the victorious nation.

Unless he's wrong, of course, in which case PP might find himself representing the host nation, and not on the pitch.

Wow, if booze and potato chips is all it takes to develop psychic powers,The Circus is going to call Tomas Brolin and ask him for this week's lotto numbers.

Sporting a new look

As is well known, The Circus loves adjectives that are also verbs; as in, 'the FA has given preening recidivist Joey Barton a 12-match ban'.

So in a segue about as smooth as Alexi Lalas's shave, Louis Van Gaal is set to become Liverpool's first ever 'Sporting Director', which is like any other director except more prone to wear polo shirts and flashy shoes.

Then again, maybe Andre Villas-Boas turned up to pitch for the job of manager sporting director Alfred Hitchcock as an attractive portly-man-sized attache case, which, coincidentally, would be just large enough to fit Andy Carroll's dismembered body.

Drills and dills

Asia: football's new horizon; the sport's promised land; home of famed skill and brutal power:

And also home to muppets:

Spoken word

"At Arsenal [the name John Terry] is another word for an ugly girl. If there’s a girl around that we don’t really like, we use it as a smokescreen, as in: “Have you seen John Terry recently? He’s terrible. I recommend this, it really works." – Feminist and Gunners' custodian Wojciech Szczesny gets all cloak and dagger in his efforts to avoid unwanted attention at night clubs. The Circus can only wonder what the code word 'Nobby Stiles' stands for.

A torrid year for Torres

Chelsea's victory over Bayern Munich in the UEFA Champions League final was the cue for Fernando Torres to tell the world what he really thinks of his treatment at Stamford Bridge.

"I felt they have treated me in a way I was not expecting, not the manner for which the club brought me here," he said.

"The ideal for me for next season is if someone tells me what's going to happen. What role will I have in the team, what function is expected of me and to evaluate if it is worth it."

However, the reasons for the Spaniard's misfortune at Chelsea are abundantly clear.

Roman Abramovich splashed out $80 million on one of the world's best strikers while Torres believed he had been hired as pre-match entertainment for all home games at the Bridge.

Unfortunately for the Russian billionaire and the Spain international, Torres has proven himself eminently unsuitable on both counts - even with the sage words of Justin Bieber ringing in his ears.

John Terry: an inspiration

The Chelsea captain has copped a fair bit of flak for his celebrations after the UCL final in Munich, where he donned his playing kit and celebrated on the podium.

Casual fans of the game might even have thought Terry had actually played a part in the victory, rather than watching in disgrace from the sideline after his suspension in the semi-final.

Inspired by Terry's selfless antics, The Circus thought it would attempt to emulate the man we have spent most of this season berating as the worst bloke in world sport.

After Mrs Circus had spent three hours on Sunday cooking up a lovely roast chook, The Circus threw on its chef's outfit when the guests arrived and kept it on while carving the bird.

It is fair to say we haven't been allowed back in the bedroom since, even though we have offered to behave a lot less like Terry and a lot more like Manchester United (you know, staying on top for ages and finishing second).

Come on Villa, do the right thing

Having spent millions more than any of its rivals to secure an immediate return to the Premier League, West Ham's owners were predictably relieved after the 2-1 win over Blackpool in the Championship play-off.

But the Hammers' joy has come at an enormous cost to football lovers around the world, for it means Ian Holloway won't be gracing Match of the Day next season.

That is, unless Aston Villa decides to do the world an enormous favour and liberate everyone's favourite hamster keeper* from his tight-fisted owners at Blackpool. We can only wait and hope.

* Those unfamiliar with Holloway's inimitable brand of charm are directed to The Circus' tribute to the Tangerines manager after they dropped out of the top flight last year. Especially the bit about Cristiano Ronaldo.

The spoken word

"I told him, 'Petr Cech knows where you are going to kick it'. I just told Robben that he is going to miss it. You know, we just do that sometimes as players. I think when the penalty was missed, we kind of believed that this trophy was going to be ours." – Chelsea midfielder John Obi (Wan) Mikel reveals the Jedi mind tricks he played on Arjen Robben to ensure his side won the Champions League trophy.

Magical mystery tour

Atletico Madrid ran out 3-0 winner in the Europa League final, played earlier this month against Athletic Bilbao.

However, not all the Athletic Bilbao fans who had planned to attend the match were able to see their club bottle it on one of their biggest days. That's because, rather than head to Bucharest, Romania, where the match was being played, 400 Bilbao fans mistakenly travelled to Budapest, Hungary.

TV channel Antena 3 reported that when the fans realised their blunder they tried to get to Bucharest on time. They failed, in part because they were unable to locate Romania's capital city on a map.

In their defence, the fans weren't the only ones to mix up the two cities. At the match, the stadium announcer kicked off with the words "Good evening Budapest, and welcome to the Europa League final".

Pro tips for the aspiring hooligan, No.1: lighting a flare

Cameo of the week

Argentino B, Argentina's sixth division, was the stage for last Sunday's match between home side Huracan Las Heras and Club Atletico Union.

The score was 1-1 when Club Atletico Union mounted an attack which beat Huracan's goalkeeper and appeared headed for the back of the net.

Enter Huracan's substitute keeper Fernando Espinoza, who calmly interrupted his warm-up behind the goal to step onto the pitch and tap the ball to safety.

Espinoza later attributed his actions to "instinct". Amazingly, the referee spotted the incident but decided a yellow card was sufficient punishment for Espinoza and awarded Huracan a corner. Even more amazingly, he escaped being lynched.

Happy endings

Like the first cuckoo of spring, Arsene Wenger clowning is one of the first signs the European football season is over. Wenger climbing into a car and driving away was how a number of people expected Arsenal's season to end, especially after the Gunners went winless through their first three games and lost 8-2 at Old Trafford. But not like this.

Meanwhile, over in Lithuania, a striker capitalises on a goalkeeping error before celebrating in a pitchside building site where, reportedly, several dozen Athletic Bilbao fans were later located, having mistaken Lithuania for Romania.

Finally, a strike that might have been the goal of the year if Papiss Cisse had never been born. Receiving the ball a full 15m inside his own half, Hiroshima's Toshihiro Aoyama lobs the keeper with a spontaneity entirely absent from his team's elaborate all-in 'ten-pin bowling' celebration.

The spoken word

"It seems Ferguson is the president of England. Each time he speaks badly about a player – and he has said the worst about me – I never asked him to apologise. But if somebody makes a joke about him, you must apologise to him. But I don't apologise. There's no relationship at all between me and Ferguson."


- Carlos Tevez tells the Independent newspaper a) why he won't be following his club's lead and apologising for the 'Fergie RIP' poster he brandished during Manchester City's title celebrations, and b) why he is not an ideal choice for your local pub quiz team if the topic of Britain's political system is likely to crop up.

The Rot's set in

Joey Barton. He's been a favourite of The Circus all season. And not just because his name is an anagram for Joy Rot Bean.

On Tuesday, The Circus brought you the news of Joy Rot's inglorious season end but red cards and vitriol wasn't inglorious enough for 'ole Beanie – he took to Twitter to slag off anyone who dared point out he is, in fact, a goose.

After declaring he could put up with criticism from Gary Lineker but not Alan Shearer, Barton then showed that, actually, he couldn't take criticism from him either. He can't take criticism from anyone.

Because Barton is not a perpetrator, he's a victim – a victim of the quest for hipster chic; a victim of having Noam Chomsky quotes linked to his Twitter account; a victim, the poor darling, of being misunderstood.

Of course, he's not as much of a victim as say, Tevez or Aguero, or that trainee he poked the hot end of a cigar into, or the yoof he belt seven shades of sandlewood out of outside a fast food restaurant that hilarious night.

And not as much of a victim as us, who have to put up with him quoting Morrisey on his twitter account.

Joy Rot antidote

If the antics of Joy Rot Bean have you all primed to run a warm bath, sharpen the razor blades and put on The Smiths, don't. At least until you have seen the daughter of newly relegated De Graafshap player Rogier Meijer trying to cheer him up:

It didn’t work. Relegation sucks, after all. But that doesn't stop this scene being heart-stoppingly adorable and very dangerous to diabetics.

Seeing Red

Kenny Dalglish has been sacked as manager of Liverpool. The statement conveying the news began with the words, "Fenway Sports Group ...", the club itself having to take second billing to its American owners.

Aware of the disgruntlement this might cause some old school Reds fans, Fenway Sports Group decided to act decisively... and alienate all their fans by opening up dialogue with the man Chelsea showed it was much better without.

Still, those who worry Super K’s managerial days are now behind him should take hope; there’s always another gig waiting for failed Premier League coaches: the England job.

Speaking of which, Roy Hodgson has explained his decision to cap 18-year-old Gunner Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain thus:

"He's given one or two performances which have made quite an impression upon me, not least when Arsenal played Milan at the Emirates Stadium. I was there and saw how well he dealt with (Andrea) Pirlo and (Massimo) Ambrosini at the centre of midfield.”

Which undersells how exciting Oxlade-Chamberlain actually is considering Pirlo does not even play for Milan and Ambrosini was not in the team on the day.

Wedgie politics

President Barack Obama has stepped up his re-election campaign by deriding David Beckham's line of intimate apparel for men:

This is canny because it targets a very specific demographic of US voters who hate the British, 'soccer' and underwear... otherwise known as "the South".

Spoken word

"I now hope the Arsenal fans can get on with their lives and forget me. They should celebrate their third-place achievement and I will focus on winning titles."

- Manchester City's Samir Nasri graciously dumps accelerant on the burning bridge between him and fans of his former club Arsenal.

Just like muck-up day

In a lot of ways, the final day of the Premier League season resembles the last day of year 12. Pranks are played on teachers, kids dress up in wacky outfits and/or next season's away gear, and there is always someone that takes it too far.

This year's culprit was QPR captain Joseph Anthony Barton (surely the Circus is not the only one giggling at that phrase) who returned to what he does best - ultra-violence on the football pitch.

In one of the worst displays of sportsmanship in memory, Barton was sent off for elbowing Carlos Tevez in the head (so far just a normal game of football for Barton), but on his way off the pitch he also saw fit to attack eventual match-winner Sergio Aguero and Manchester City captain Vincent Kompany.

Carlos buries the hatchet (in Fergie's head)

Such tumultuous times always bring out the true character of football's gallery of heroes and villains.

There are good winners, like Roberto Mancini: "Five minutes from the end I didn't think we could win this game. It was a crazy season and a crazy last few minutes."

And begrudging losers like Sir Alex Ferguson: "Everybody expected City to win, but they did it against 10 men for half an hour and with five extra minutes to help them. I congratulate City on winning the league. Anybody who wins it deserves it, because it's a long haul. It wasn't our turn today."

Then there is Tevez, who hoped the pain of defeat would literally kill his former boss at Manchester United.

How to apologise, part 1

Tim Cahill's last act of the season was a vain attempt to throttle Yohan Cabaye moments after Everton secured a 3-1 over Newcastle. The Australian's moment of rage, sparked by a sledge from Cabaye, earned him a red card. The Newcastle man didn't go unpunished, copping a yellow for his part in the unseemly scuffle.

After the match, Cabaye had the good grace to issue a statement, which read in part: "It was unnecessary and, regrettably, the result of frustration and disappointment, all in the heat of the moment. It is out of character and for that I am sorry."

In the face of such good grace, the Circus is not surprised that both clubs are willing to move on.

How to apologise, part 2

Cabaye's humility is laudable but it is nowhere near as entertaining as Barton's mea culpa via Twitter after his contributions to the bizarro world that was Etihad Stadium.

"The head was never gone at any stage, once I'd been sent off, one of our players suggested I should try to take 1 of theirs with me...Never worked but god loves a trier," he wrote after the match.

"Think a few people are forgetting Tevez started the fracas by throwing a punch to the head...?

"Right am off for a bit. Gonna enjoy QPR still being a Premiership club with all my team-mates. Cheerio people."

Barton went on to prove how much his head was not gone by unleashing yet another tirade at Alan Shearer, his former manager at Newcastle who now commentates for the BBC.

In the face of such bald-faced idiocy, the Circus will be very surprised if Barton is within shouting distance of Loftus Road when QPR gathers for the start of pre-season.

Super Mario's last laugh

From car crashes to prostitute scandals, from errant backheels to studs-up challenges and even that famous fireworks incident, Mario Balotelli's season has been anything but dull.

Now, with a Premier League winner's medal around his neck, Mario has a simple message for his critics: "A lot of people talked bad about me this year, so now they have to shut up and watch me."

The Circus will be among those happily obliging with Balotelli's polite request. Long may his madcap antics continue, and may Mancini and England's tabloids never tire of them. We at Circus Towers certainly won't.

The spoken word

"I want to say it is the best moment of my life but if I'm honest then I would say please never again this way. Miracles do happen in Manchester. Only this time it's on this side of the road." - Manchester City captain Vincent Kompany on the chaotic end to the Premier League season.

Why walk when you can moonwalk?

Booked after an aerial collision during the first leg of the Campeonato Pernambucano final against Santa Cruz, Sport Recife defender Tobi initially refused to show the referee his number.

After repeated requests he complied, but not in the way you were expecting (unless, you know, you noticed the title of this segment and put two and two together).

The video of the incident helpfully includes Michael Jackson's original move for comparison.

Poetry in motion

Moonwalking in football boots is a feat few individuals are brave enough to attempt. However, you suspect Neymar is one such man.

Santos's superstar featured in last Saturday's Circus for extracurricular reasons, so it's only fair to give him credit when he does what he is paid for (and no, this is not a continuation of last week's discussion. So far as The Circus is aware, the orgies about which Neymar said "I go but I never join in" are strictly unpaid).

Neymar scored twice in the first leg of the Sao Paulo state championship final against Guarani. The goals were his 103rd and 104th for Santos, equalling a club record for most goals scored since Pele, whose final tally for the club was a staggering 1091.

The clip below contains a Pele-like collection of goals and near misses, as well as plenty of examples of why Neymar still has some way to go before matching the Brazilian great.

Exhibit A is the flick at 1.37, as brilliant as it is pointless.

Poultry in motion

Apparently, things didn't end well for the chicken that invaded Ewood Park this time last week.

When music goes wrong, part 34

The latest instalment of our occasional series on what happens when music is tackled studs-up by football features Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos.

In related news, Euro 2012 is almost upon us and Polish authorities are preparing for the inevitable onslaught of English fans looking for a fountain to fall into.

The Poles, in their wisdom, have decided on sonic cannons. Sonic cannons, according to The Sun's team of lovably hysterical experts, are "ear-splitting gizmos mounted on trucks".

Sergio Ramos would be more portable, and probably cheaper.

Dider Drogba is a repeat offender in this segment, but the Chelsea striker is, thankfully, not singing in this music video by former, erm, actress Julia Channel (and in this case The Circus uses the terms 'music' and 'actress' very loosely).

That's Didier at the 3.46 mark looking at his watch and appearing surprised exactly like a real, sentient human would in such a circumstance.

The spoken word

"It is not enough. I want to apologise to the fans and players. I was so disappointed in myself. If I had not made the mistake we would have won the match and had a great night. In the morning, it would have been fun at practice, but now it won't be." – Djurgarden's Marc Pedersen, after scoring this spectacular 89th-minute own goal to gift Swedish league rival AIK a 1-1 draw.

The time-space-ghoulies continuum

It is called managing your talent and if Chelsea's renaissance since Andre Villas Boas's departure is any guide, Roberto Di Matteo is a master at it.

And yet he has been forced on the defensive over his decision to field a weakened team in the Premier League clash against Liverpool, despite fixing the same mob up in the FA Cup final.

With a top-four spot now bust, UEFA Champions League action of next season rests on the Blues besting Bayern Munich next week, with a full-strength, nicely rested squad.

Will Di Matteo's gamble pay off? Only time, or those with the ability to travel through it, can tell.

The Circus asked Guy Pearce this question but unfortunately we asked Guy Pearce from Neighbours, not Guy Pearce from The Time Machine and Guy Pearce from Neighbours didn't think Liverpool beating Chelsea 4-1 was such a big deal.

Neighbours Guy Pearce is from 1985 after all.

He also expressed surprised at the outcome of this challenge because, even in the 80s, this kind of thing was a red card:

"He kicked me straight in the balls," Emre said rather unnecessarily of Didier Zokora's challenge. "I thank Allah I already have a child." He did not thank Allah for being kicked in the balls, however.

Zokora was reacting to a perceived racist taunt from Belozoglu proving revenge is not, as previously thought, a dish best served cold but a dish best served by kicking someone in the balls.

Perhaps this is the type or reprisal that has England manager Roy Hodgson wondering whether he should include John Terry in the same squad as Rio Ferdinand.

Pick him, Roy, pick him.

Red Dragons' blues

Cardiff City's Malaysian owners are considering a strip change but not any old strip change. They want the Bluebirds to turn into the Red Dragons.

That's like Everton becoming Manchester United, Melbourne Victory turning into Adelaide United or blue blood Christopher Pyne becoming a card carrying official of Health Services United.

Such effrontery to tradition had Neighbours Guy Pearce aghast. Time Machine Guy Pearce was too busy fighting Morlocks to care.

But surely the move will confuse age-old rivalries, and not just ones confined to the football pitch:

Of course, studies show red teams win more, which explains why Wales itself is such an international football powerhouse.

Not Pachabel's Canon

Polish authorities have developed a crowd control device to quell rowdy mobs at the 2012 European Championship.

It is a sound cannon and it emits such a boom as to render yobs yobless.

Trouble is, it may also cause deafness. So it's probably just safer to give a megaphone to Gary Linekar.

Spoken word

"I got an offer from China that was truly impossible to refuse. The offer is startling in a financial sense. It is unbelievable. The money is really great. I haven't signed it yet. I have to talk with my family, primarily my beautiful wife, but honestly I'm on the verge of making the decision to sign for a Chinese club. I have pretty much decided because, as I said, it's an offer that can't be refused. I believe I will sign the contract." – Danijel Pranjic indicates that a move to China is on the cards. Skilled observers may note that money seems to be a motivating factor.

The art of bringing down Man United

The Premier League title race may not yet be officially over but unless Queen Park Rangers can pull off an unlikely draw at Etihad Stadium (where the Citizens have dropped just two points all season), it may as well be.

Just weeks ago, Manchester City looked like it had blown its shot to beat its cross-town rival, but thanks to Yaya Toure's brace against Newcastle United the title looks certain to be headed its way for the first time in 44 years.

At a cost to the club of roughly $127, one would have expected Toure to deliver in the club's clutch moment. After all, he is worth about the same amount of coin as Edvard Munch's The Scream.

The similarities between Toure and the iconic masterpiece don't end there. There are multiple versions of The Scream in existence, which have not fetched as much in the marketplace – just like Yaya's older brother Kolo, who he sometimes plays with, and younger brother Ibrahim, who plays out his football in Egypt.

Both Munch's painting and Toure have also turned Sir Alex Ferguson into a figure of ridicule.

Still, if Fergie wants to work up the funds to bring his own Yaya Toure to the Red Devils, perhaps he could try selling his own artwork.

Then again, perhaps not.

It's just like the end of term

With its lowest finish in the Premier League era a very real possibility, ninth-placed Liverpool faces the prospect of ending its season being jeered off Swansea's Liberty Stadium by thousands of Elvis impersonators.

"The bookies said there was more chance of seeing Elvis than us staying at this level. As a show of our achievement, we'll ask the fans to do that," Swansea boss Brendan Rogers said after a 2-0 loss to Manchester United that kept the title race open until the final weekend.

The Circus desperately hopes this idea catches on, if only to give life and meaning to mid-table clashes that won't decide anything.

For a start, Fulham supporters should have no trouble frocking up as the king of pop after club chairman Mohamed Al Fayed conveniently provided them with a giant scale model.

And Manchester City fans could do worse than adopt Liam Gallagher's distinctive style. Certainly, the Oasis man is going to need the cover of thousands when he a) goes on a month-long bender after City win the title or b) invades the Etihad Stadium pitch to personally throttle Carlos Tevez should United get up.

But even if every seat at the Liberty is occupied by a rhinestone-clad behemoth grunting unintelligibly about burning, burning love, Swansea has some way to go before it dethrones the reigning champion of Football League fancy dress.

Dear Circus readers, feast your eyes on the Hartlepool United Smurfs.

The spoken word

"Mark knows his job. He was sacked by City in a very unethical way and he will remember that. Mark Hughes's teams always fight but QPR players are fighting for survival. The whole future of the club could be resting on the game and I only wish Sparky was playing." – Sir Alex Ferguson gives QPR manager Mark Hughes the biggest pump-up speech of his life, in the hope he can engineer a miracle against Manchester City next week.

Adriano: not so jolly anymore

Brazilian side Flamengo is considering re-signing striker Adriano, who had two previous stints with the club. Club president Patricia Amorim has described the move as a risk, and clearly this is not only because the former Inter Milan and Roma forward had stitches removed on Monday after undergoing surgery on his left Achilles tendon.

Adriano is considering legal action against his most recent employer, Corinthians, which sacked him in March after he missed 67 training sessions.

Having lasted just seven months of his three-year contract with the Sao Paolo-based club, Adriano claims Corinthians locked him up in an attempt to force him to lose weight.

"They kept me in the hotel against my will," he told Globo TV, before volunteering his opinion on Sao Paulo itself in terms which may shed further light on the reasons for his sacking.

"It's a nice place, with many food options. But I'm from Rio and I'm used to the beach."

Six of one ...

The Circus can't decide which is more ridiculous.

This ...

Or this?

Wellbeing latest

Fiorentina manager Delio Rossi is in the same boat as Adriano (a boat which, presumably, would be very low in the water at one end).

Rossi has been fired for a dugout scrap with striker Adem Ljajic, who sarcastically applauded Rossi after being substituted during a league match with Serie A rival Novara.

Fiorentina president Andrea Della Valle sacked Rossi immediately after the match, saying: "I spoke with him and he's prepared to apologise, but this was a choice that had to be made.

"It's a choice I should never have had to make, but there is no justification for Delio Rossi's actions. The firing is for his well being. He's a great person."

Prophet news

Neymar is capable of predicting the future, according to his Santos teammate Paulo Henrique Ganso. The Brazilian teenager scored his 100th goal for Santos on Sunday, bagging a hat-trick in his side's 3-1 win over Sao Paulo in the semi-finals of the Campeonato Paulista.

"He is a genius and a prophet," said Ganso. "We were in camp and he told me: 'It will be 3-1 to us, we will open up 2-0, we will concede a goal and then we will suffer pressure before adding a final goal.'

"He is a genius."

Last week, Santos's prophet/genius defended his reputation for metrosexuality and hook-ups with models: "It's not just footballers who go to orgies. Yes, I go, but I never join in."

He added: "I'm not pretty like Beckham, but I do buy clothes, I do take care. I shave my legs with a little machine I have. I do it in team meetings."

The spoken word

"The people have spoken. We need wins now, or more disgust will follow." - Racing president Gastón Cogorno reacts after fans mocked their own players by throwing crutches at them. Racing is fourth from bottom in Argentina's Primera A with three wins from 12, having already sacked striker Teofilo Gutierrez this season for threatening his teammates with a paintball gun.

Getting behind the new man

Maybe having an Englishman in charge of the English football team unsettles some people. Maybe it makes them feel racially culpable, as if not having a foreign coach is an act of bigotry.

Maybe that's why some members of the English press welcomed Roy Hodgson to the job of national team manager by bringing up his past as a player in apartheid-era South Africa.

You can see how the matter is relevant to team selection and tactics. "Roy, you gonna play four at the back? Oh, and is Rio going to have to ride up the back of the bus?"

The implication, The Circus assumes, is that Hodgson is a fascist. So much the better for English football. After all, look at how well Germany, Spain and Italy have performed on the global stage. And Brazil? Well, we've all seen that movie, haven't we? We all know their dirty little secret.

Or maybe, just maybe, the affairs of 40 years ago – especially when they involved the impact one English footballer had on the sociopolitical situation of South Africa – are completely irrelevant. Hodgson’s slight speech impediment, on the other hand... now that’s a matter that needs thorough investigation.

A wee dram... I mean, just a small one, love

Foreign accent syndrome is a real life thingy. We know because it's on Wikipedia.

Imagine if Sir Alex Ferguson was affected by FAS. Imagine how much more entertaining his sideline fracases would be if, instead of screaming like an irascible Scot, he suddenly started screaming like Kenneth Williams, or Desmond Tutu, or Steve McLaren.

Whether that would quell his urges to almost punch people like Roberto Mancini is another matter, particularly if Liam Gallagher can be believed:

“Fergie’s been on the whiskey,” was one of the (former? current? future?) Oasis frontman’s zingers in case you missed it. Of course, when it comes to authorities on whiskey consumption, Liam is like David Attenborough to dung beetles. So his words should carry a certain gravitas.

Although they'd carry more gravitas if he woke up one day speaking like Roy Hodgson, at least according to The Sun.

Did I do that?

Alexander Soderlund is a relaxed kind of cove. He's oh so casual, oh so cool, oh so lame:

Cats, mats and the act of sitting

Not content with virtually killing Manchester United’s title defence, Manchester City is now taunting its cross-town rival with the basest insult known to humankind: poetry.

Asked if City is, like, so over United now, David Silva said: “We beat them here, we beat them there.”

“We beat them bleedin’ everywhere,” he didn’t add. The fool. The crazy, mad, adorable fool.

The Circus understands other teams, keen to replicate Manchester City’s now likely premiership success, are searching for a player capable of rhyming couplets. They are also after a lunatic and a really expensive striker who hates the team, the city, the manager and isn’t too keen on actually training or playing.

The spoken word

"I am getting stronger every day. I am happy to be back I am just happy to be able to speak to people again and walk freely."

- Recovering heart attack victim and Bolton player Francis Muamba reflects on bigger things than football before the match against Spurs.

How not to park the bus, by Manchester United

Finally, the Biggest Game in Premier League History (TM) has been played and won, to a little surprise, by Manchester City. Vincent Kompany's header could well be the goal that decides the title race, with City now leading United on goal difference with two games to play.

However, the result wasn't the only surprise on the night. The Red Devils got done by playing a rather un-United brand of football, in stark contrast to their pre-match banter in the press.

Fergie on April 28: "We'd have to be happy if we got a draw but we won't be talking about going there not to lose because that's not the way we play."

'Keeper David de Gea on game day: "We won't park the bus or try to get a point. We don't know how to do it and that would mean giving them the advantage on the match."

Apparently Fergie's definition of "not parking the bus" involves a starting XI with just one striker (Wayne Rooney) and a five-man midfield shielding a back four. The result? Five attempted shots, none of which troubled Joe Hart in the City goal.

Next thing you know, Sir Alex will find a way to blame the referees for United's woes.

Oh, hang on ...

Honest John's real apology to Chelsea fans

John Terry's written apology for getting sent off in the Champions League semi-final against Barcelona has gone some way to appeasing the restless natives at Stamford Bridge.

However, the Circus can reveal Terry's letter underwent several revisions before appearing in the match-day programme. Here is the first draft, as delivered to Circus Towers by a combination of carrier pigeon, paper aeroplane and a Sergio Ramos spot kick:

"I want to start by saying how sorry I am that I didn't do a better job of temporarily crippling that prat Sanchez at the Camp Nou. I honestly thought it was Xavi in front of me and everyone knows Barca are rubbish without him.

"Anyway, the least I could have done was take one of them out if I was going to risk a red. Eye for an eye and all that, y'know? Robbie made me say sorry to the other players (including that overpaid nancy boy Torres) and the staff after the game. Even the ones I didn't know the names of.

"When it suits me, I'm big enough to come out and man up when I make a mistake like I did on Tuesday. But let's be clear - the Wayne Bridge thing and the Anton Ferdinand thing and the corporate box thing weren't mistakes. They were just misunderstandings. However, I'm really, properly sorry I won't be playing in the final because the boys won't have a hope without me.

"For the boys to actually draw the game after losing their best player was honestly one of the biggest flukes I have seen since I have been at Chelsea. Ramires' goal was incredible - when he tries them at training, Petr doesn't even have to make a save. He just stands there laughing.

"And it was not just the result, but the way they played. They parked the bus better than any team I've ever seen - even Derby when they were really rubbish, or Italy.

"The nancy boy even scored, although it was another cheap nasty goal that didn't really matter. His days of Premier League hat-tricks are long gone. I was really proud to see the lads get through, because I honestly gave them no hope without me. It's a pity they're going to get absolutely stuffed in Munich, though."

By the numbers

44 - years since Manchester City's first top-flight title

8 - Manchester United's points lead over City on April 8, with eight games left

4 - Points won by United in the four following games

3 - The points gap between City and United before the Manchester derby, won by City

0 - teams to have won the EPL title after trailing by three points with three games to play

The spoken word

"It's tough but we have to look at the positives. We need two monumental performances and two massive results. We've got Wigan up next, if we beat Wigan we go to Chelsea and we keep going, keep chasing. We've had many monumental performances this season. Some really good home wins, some back-to-back clean sheets. We'll probably need that again and I have trust and faith in the lads."

– Blackburn did not manage a single shot on goal against Tottenham on the weekend, and the Rovers only had 29 per cent of the possession in the game. Nevertheless, manager Steve Kean keeps looking for the positives.

Football Survival Skills - a Circus community service. No.3: bees

What do you do if your football match is invaded by a swarm of killer bees? Your first instinct, if you are like The Circus, is probably to stealthily approach each bee from behind and knee it John Terry-style where you imagine you would find its tiny kidneys. But, like the Circus, you would be wrong.

This footage from Brazil demonstrates that the correct survival technique is what football would be if it were combined with the classic children's party game Heads Down, Thumbs Up.

Incidentally, the YouTube ad served when The Circus watched this clip was titled 'Every cigarette you don't smoke is doing you good'. Whereas in this instance, of course, taking to the field with a cigarette would also be a legitimate survival strategy.

Missed it (by that much)

Sergio Ramos's penalty from the UEFA Champions League semi-final second leg shootout has, according to astronomers, stabilised and is now in an elliptical orbit around the earth. Still, at least Sergio is in good, if not downright hallowed company.

Demonstrating that even football's best go to pot under pressure, here's the peerless Michel Platini.

The incomparable Roberto Baggio:

And Charlie Adam, who takes a nice corner:

Ronaldo: the original and best

Despite Real Madrid's UCL exit, Ronaldo is having a great season for the La Liga giants. Only, if you get your football news from the Times of India, he's not the Ronaldo you might expect.

The original Ronaldo (big-boned Ronaldo, not the UCL penalty-missing Ronaldo, or the Ronaldo who appears in this work of Photoshopped genius depicting Mesut Ozil's day at the sales) was in the UK during the week for the Olympic football draw.

After endearing himself to the assembled reporters by not knowing who Gareth Bale was, Ronaldo was asked for his thoughts on England's hopes at Euro 2012. Which young players did he think were up to world standards?

"Beckham and Lampard and the whole Man United team ... Michael Owen," he said.

Ah yes. The future looks bright.

Feud of the month

A $2500 fine for calling rival UAE Pro League coach Cosmin Olaroiu "rude" has not wearied Diego Maradona.

This was after Al-Ain coach Olaroiu said: "Maradona doesn't always have a clear mind because of his life. He doesn't wish to have the brain clear all the time. I don't take drugs, my life is clear, I don't do anything."

Asked to reflect on his fine, Maradona cheerfully picked up where he left off: "He's just a very rude person, really impolite. He even offered to shake hands with me after my mother died, but I totally refused. I do not shake hands with rude people."

That's another $5000 by The Circus's count, and Maradona put in the boots again when the two sides met, accusing Olaroiu of provocatively celebrating his title-hunting side's late equaliser in a 2-2 draw.

"He doesn't deserve reconciliation. I will congratulate his team if they win the league. But I've had 30 years of experience and I know how to treat others. What he did has not changed my opinion of him."

The spoken word

"There is so much communication during the championships that we want to limit it to meetings with the media.” – SpokesDane Lars Berendt announces the Danish FA's decision to ban players from Twitter during Euro 2012.

A ruling on whether Denmark players will still be allowed to stumble into takeaways, bellow "Do you not know who I am?" and demand free pizza is believed to be forthcoming.

Spain’s pain

If you’re a believer in the theory of threes then put some money on Elvis Presley crash landing a UFO into Loch Ness and killing the monster because not only has Barcelona’s European vacation been cancelled but Fernando Torres was in the driver’s seat, crashing the tour bus.

It was enough to make Gary Neville sound his yawp... and up his dry cleaning bill:

The Circus, being a humanist, can’t help but wonder what kind of sound former Chelsea coach Andre Villas Boas was emitting at the time. Or, for that matter, his mentor Jose Mourinho whose double dream was turned to ash when penalties were required to settle the tie against Bayern Munich and Cristiano Ronaldo missed his.

So Torres hits, Messi and Ronaldo miss and Pep Guardiola kinda sorta admits that you don’t deserve goals just for being all pretty n’ stuff. But just in case you'd thought the world had totally gone topsy-turvy, John Terry was around to prove that some things just never change. Namely, him being an utter dill:

But anyways, here’s to Chelsea, the little engine that could. It kept Messi’s duck in tact, made a star out of a little Spanish battler who’s been finding goals hard to come by and proved that sometimes, even in the world of professional sport, the underdog can prevail.

And all it took to make the fairytale come true was millions and millions and millions of dollars.

Beer’s power too much to bear

The Netherlands Energy Company has come up with a novel way of flogging its product: by playing on the insecurities of Dutch women... notoriously uptight frumps that they are.

The NEC is offering to install a beer tap in the home of new customers in the belief a frosty cold one will keep Dutch men at home, away from Euro 2012 and free from the clutches of conniving Ukrainian beauties:

The Circus was clutched by a conniving Ukrainian beauty once. It still has the receipt to prove it.

Morph madness

What can a giant baby, a paparazzi pirate and an idiot in lycra teach Danny Vukovic?

How to save a penalty obviously:

Too soon, Perth fans?

Clear!

AC Milan’s Stephan El Sharaawy has donated a defribulator to his junior club.

Looks like he has been using it to style his hair.

The spoken word

"In my view that was and remains a legitimate concern. [The Royal Bank of Scotland] is entitled to be fearful about potential misconduct." - Justice Peter Smith denies a request from ex-Liverpool owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett for unfettered access to financial documents, raising the prospect that the pair are not the fine, upstanding gentlemen we all assumed they were.

You say relegation, I say survival

The Circus is constantly amazed at football's ability to provide a window into human nature. Some people - like the Everton players who defied the laws of Fergie time to snatch a 4-4 draw at Old Trafford - are optimists. Others - like Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini - are pessimists.

Owen Coyle is firmly in the former camp. After a 1-1 draw with Swansea that leaves Bolton mired in the relegation zone, albeit with two games in hand over their rivals, the Trotters manager was remarkably upbeat.

"We've got five games, a lot of teams round about us only have three. We'd rather have points in the bag but we've got 15 points to play for and who's to say we can't take many of them?" he said.

"The players came storming back into the game, scored a great goal, and I thought we got a grip of it, particularly towards the end of the first half.

"It was the wrong decision-making in the wrong areas but who's to say that won't be the point that keeps us up?"

Bolton midfielder Nigel Reo-Coker, on the other hand is a card-carrying pessimist.

"The draw feels like a loss," Reo-Coker said after the game. "Towards the end we looked a bit flat. We needed a bit more energy and belief. That can't come from management. It's up to us players."

"No more slack performances. We've got five games left and we've got to get results. Every game is a cup final. No bullshit, no sugar-coating it: that's the reality."

Given Bolton's dicey history in cup finals - six from 12, and nothing that matters since 1958 - Reo-Coker is right to be a little nervous.

Speaking of optimism

There is a certain confidence that seems to inspire those that have come back from the dead. Who could forget Kerry Packer's exchange with Ray Martin in 1990 after surviving his first heart attack?

Packer: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Martin: Give us the good news?

Packer: The good news is there is no devil. The bad news is there no heaven.

Bolton's recent returnee from the other side, Fabrice Muamba, wasn't as blunt as Australia's since-departed billionaire, but he certainly hasn't let the experience bow him.

"It's too early to say whether I'll play football professionally again but I have great faith in God and I have hope, so who knows? If I can come back from the dead then perhaps I can achieve anything."

Bold talk for a man who admits he is still struggling to walk around the block.

The numbers game

53 – years since Manchester United has scored four goals at Old Trafford and failed to win before the 4-4 effort against Everton
7 – times United has conceded three or more goals in all competitions this season
9 – times United has conceded three or more goals in all competitions in the five seasons preceding this one
10 – games played by star centre-back and United captain Nemanja Vidic this season

The spoken word

"When we came into this level we were the new Blackpool. Today people are calling us the new Barcelona. That shows how far the players have progressed." - Swansea manager Brendan Rogers continues his bold bid to replace a faltering Pep Guardiola at the Nou Camp with a 1-1 draw against Bolton.

Hugging it out

Toledo and YouTube's Roberto Encinas has endured a difficult week after celebrating his team's last-minute winner against Rayo Vallecano by hugging the referee.

Rather than apply for reimbursement for perhaps the finest – if not only – meaningful contribution by a player to FIFA's Respect campaign, Encinas claimed the unreciprocated cuddle had been a case of mistaken identity (a believable enough explanation assuming Encinas has that very specific form of colour-blindness which confuses Toledo's green with the referee's neon yellow).

"It was so quick, I didn't realise who he was," Encinas said. "He said: 'What are you doing?' I said: 'Sorry, sorry, really sorry.' It's been difficult for me. In training on Monday, whenever I passed to anyone, they stopped and asked if I wanted a hug. Then they all hugged me. It's a bit much."

Romario: gone but not forgotten (by Romario)

The Circus has always lived by the maxim that there are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.*

Romario is one of the latter. Now a congressman, the former Brazil star is enjoying the freedoms of political office to lash out at, well, almost anything – covering at least three different topics in this short report alone.

Asked, or perhaps not, about Lionel Messi, Romario replied that Messi was good, but not one of football's three true greats – a group which included he, Romario.

"Messi is a good player, but I'm in the top three: It's me, Pele and Maradona. I would include (Zinedine) Zidane in that list, too," Romario said, cavalierly tossing Zidane into the mix to expand his top three by 25 per cent.

*Yes, The Circus is also available for Christmas Cracker jokes and children's parties. Equal opportunity failing

In the same interview, Romario delivered news of great joy for all football fans heading to Brazil 2014.

"The rich fan who will come to the World Cup will be fine," Romario said. "He will arrive on a private jet, use private cars and will stay at the best hotels."

Delighted by this news, the Circus revved its mirror-plated Hummer and drove all the way to the gates of its country estate to send a fax to its travel agent. Romario went on to add something about the fate in store for poorer fans, by then the Circus was fumbling with printer rolls and trying to get a dialtone.

Europe beats to a more egalitarian drum, and even fans as well-heeled as the Circus can count on a welcome to Euro 2012 so warm it could be downright feverish. Specifically: measles. "If you plan to come to Ukraine, please get vaccinated at home," said Oleksandr Kravchuk, deputy head of the state sanitary and epidemiological service.

John Terry feels your pain

That John Terry has always seemed a delightful sort of chap. Carlos Puyol injured his wrist in Thursday's first leg of Chelsea's Champions League semi-final, and Terry took the opportunity to give the wrist a quick squeeze. Yes, yes – the Circus is just as surprised.

The spoken word

"Also the big AC has used Jordan's hair gel for the last 2 games and scored both wining goals #fact."

- Liverpool defender Martin Kelly reveals the secret of Andy Carroll's recent success lies in a small plastic tub owned by teammate Jordan Henderson. (NB: The Circus believes Kelly meant to describe Carroll's goals as 'winning', although the alternative is also a valid way to describe the club's successes under Kenny Dalglish)

The buck stops where?

AC Milan owner and international man of action Silvio Berlusconi is facing allegations he paid a stripper $2,5000 to wear a club shirt and a Ronaldhino mask at a party attended by Italy’s ruling elite and the depraved (not a tautology). It’s weird, because when The Circus is approached by women wearing Ronaldhino masks, it expects to be paid. And handsomely.

What’s the going rate for a Dundee shirt and a Davie Dodds mask? Half a bag of peanuts?

So either Silvio has a thing for Brazilians with gappy teeth (and to be fair, who doesn’t?) or some serious Scooby Doo issues:

Silvio: “Whoa, I thought you were Ronaldhino!”

Stripper: “And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you pesky ex Prime-Ministers currently facing charges for having sex with minors named ‘Ruby The Heart Stealer’!”

Apparently, at Chelsea, they’re still trying to rip the mask off Fernando Torres.

Sweet strikes

The crowd apparently alerted Mark Hudson that the ‘keeper was off his line during Cardiff’s match against Derby.

The crowd also alerted Ante Kulusic that the goalie was off his line. Only problem was, the crowd belonged to the opposition and the goalie was his own:

Colour me red

Teofilo Gutierrez is a Colombian that, until recently, played for Argentinian club Racing. He no longer does.

After being sent off for abusing the referee, Gutierrez was accosted by his teammates, whom he then threatened with a paint gun.

Ushered away, he was, all official like. But no one has offered an explanation as to why he had a paint gun in the dressing room in the first place. The way The Circus sees it, there are three possibilities:

- Gutierrez was sold the paint gun under the impression it was a real gun;

- All Racing players are issued with paint guns in the hope that dressing room fracas result in, you know, less deaths;

- Gutierrez is just a tosser. But that OMO club sponsorship was finally about to pay some dividends.

High degree of difficulty

Ashley Young’s club coach Alex Ferguson has warned his winger he may earn himself a reputation if he continues to dramatically trip over the oxygen-tolerant krill that keep throwing themselves in his path on the pitch.

Mr Young, you may consider your reputation so earned:

The spoken word

"Messi is a good player, but I'm in the top three: It's me, Pele and Maradona. I would include (Zinedine) Zidane in that list, too."

- Former Brazil star Romario shows he has difficulty with the concept of “top player” as well as the concept of “three”.

Four wrongs don't make a right

Like Blackburn Rovers, Andre Villas-Boas and Dimitar Berbatov, referee Martin Atkinson is having a season to forget. Up has become down, down has become up and Ashley Young is not a cheating diver.

Having made some early-season errors that invoked the wrath of the FA and fans alike, the experienced whistleblower seems intent on making up for his mistakes. But rather than re-establish his good reputation, Atkinson has only managed to sully it further.

Seemingly chastened by seeing the FA rescind the red card he handed to Jack Rodwell in the first Merseyside derby back in October, Atkinson decided not to take any action over Mario Balotelli's wild challenge on Alex Song last week. He and his assistants duly noted the incident in the match report, thereby robbing the FA of the chance to rub Balotelli out for the rest of the season.

While the referee claimed to be partially unsighted, the Circus's experience suggests you don't need to see all that much of a studs-up, knee-high tackle to issue a card of some colour.

However, an obstructed view proved no obstacle to Atkinson awarding a controversial goal to Juan Mata in the FA Cup semi-final between Chelsea and Tottenham on Sunday. Convinced by Mata's celebration after a goalmouth scramble and unmoved by the pleas of the Spurs defenders, he blew for the goal that gave the Blues a 2-0 lead at Wembley en route to a 5-1 win.*

What a pity Atkinson wasn't as receptive to QPR defender Clint Hill's protestations after his would-be goal against Bolton was waved away last month.

*Yes, the Circus is aware of a still image that shows the ball crossed the line. No, the Circus does not believe anyone at the stadium - especially Martin Atkinson - could possibly have seen it.

Mario watch, week 36

What does it say about the fractious relationship between Manchester City and Mario Balotelli when club officials are relieved to see photos of their star striker skolling bubbly straight from the bottle after a shock loss to Swansea?

No-one puts Bébé in a corner

Manchester United might be steaming along to its 20th League title after disposing of Aston Villa on the weekend, but not everything is going its way.

The club's curious deal to sign Portuguese player Bébé from Vitória Guimarães two years ago has attracted the attention of authorities.

While there is no alleged wrongdoing on Manchester United's behalf yet, the Red Devils' cause won't be helped by Sir Alex Ferguson's admission that he signed the youngster without seeing him play.

Perhaps credit should go to Bébé's promotional video team. This is the video that tells the story of how he got to Old Trafford, where he only started three games in his two years with the club.

The spoken word

"The second goal was a disaster wasn't it? It was nowhere near a goal. It was an honest mistake but it was nowhere near over. (The referee) made a big mistake." - Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp was in no doubt as to whether Mata's goal should have been allowed, still managing to feel cheated despite going down 5-1.

Great expectations

It turns out the problem with Melbourne Victory's season wasn't that Victory turned out to be a bit rubbish. It was that too many people got all wild-eyed about future Moomba king Harry Kewell's arrival and, having lost their minds in the hype, expected Victory not to be rubbish.

A man who has always been very good at managing expectations is Guus Hiddink. Formerly Aussie, now Dagestani Guus is in the hot seat over at Russia's newest billionaire-owned superclub Anzhi Makhachkala, where he has been given a transfer budget to work with of $378 million*.

Brazil champion Roberto Carlos, who recently declared the club's intention to sign both Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi when those promising youngsters are out of contract at their current clubs, acts as an assistant to Anzhi president Suleiman Kerimov.

And in news sure to boost Hiddink's chances of keeping his job beyond Christmas, Carlos also appears to have embraced the role of salesmen to attract stars of this calibre to the club.

After all, how could the likes of Messi and the quaffed one resist a move to war-ravaged Dagestan when they hear Carlos explaining how great the pitches are?

* Seven Andy Carrolls, for those playing along at home

Fair play latest

Bolivian rivals Real Mamore and The Strongest can probably count on a quiet night the next time FIFA gets around to dishing out its Fair Play gongs.

Over in Brazil, EC Iranduba midfielder Volante Derlan faces a two-year ban after attacking the referee who had just sent him off.

Iranduba president Dirceu Vasconcelos took a hard line on Derlan's offence, saying there was "absolutely no justification" for the player's actions. Vasconcelos then compromised that hard line ever so slightly by adding: "Though of course the referee was offensive and biased throughout. Who wouldn't be angry?"

Derlan was arrested on the pitch and faces a two-year ban.

Fashion is temporary, style forever

Stephen Ireland's fiancée Jessica Lawlor invited the Irish Independent into the couple's Cheshire mansion, seemingly to dispel rumours about their excessive lifestyle and penchant for tasteless bling (Jessica: "We have massively toned it down... I mean, I know you see our house, but this is our home. We try not to show off too much.").

Highlights:
:: mezzanine-level hot tub in the bedroom
:: "the odd crushed-velvet Swarovski-encrusted couch"
:: "marabou-trimmed mirror, and an enormous fish tank"

Plus, the couple have got rid of their old personalised pool table stamped with Ireland's name and replaced it with a new personalised pool table stamped with Ireland's name.

Making goalkeepers look like dills: a two-part series

First there is future Anzhi Makhachkala star Cristiano Ronaldo.

Then there is Atletico Nacional's Dorlan Pabon.

Miss of the week

The spoken word

"My relationship with (Manchester City owner) Khaldoon (al-Mubarak) is fantastic. If he sacked me at the end of the season or next year, I would say that every manager who works with Khaldoon is very lucky ... But I don't have this problem because I will continue in my job. I'm sure that this club has arrived at the top." – Roberto Mancini reports from a land where 'at the top' means 'knocked out of all competitions and five points below Manchester United in the Premier League'.

A game within a game

ROI – not the next Brazilian football star but what those types in 4WDs call getting your money’s worth. Liverpool, sick of not getting its money’s worth out of Andy Carroll, has invented a new game, one that he’s actually good at.

Flush with confidence at hitting a soft ball over a tiny net with a child’s toy, Carroll subsequently starred in the Reds’ 10-man win over Blackpool, a club that obviously does not have a secondary make-believe game to fall back on.

Bet that made Kenny Dalglish happy:

Then again, maybe not.

At least John Barnes seemed chuffed... or to be having a stroke:

Perhaps Roberto Mancini should invent a game to improve the output of Mario Ballotelli, something that combines all the stuff he’s actually good at. How about ‘kicking gold darts at the legs of homeless from the window of a supercar’? Or what the marketeers might call KGDATLOHFTWOAS.

The Circus thinks it’s more likely to catch on than Ballotelli’s other game – BASL, or as the uninitiated refer to it: breaking Alex Song’s leg.

The official line

Interestingly - or, more accurately, amazingly - Ballotelli escaped any sanction for the above challenge because in the ref's opinion it did not constitute a foul at the time.

The same man thinks Germany's invasion of Poland was just a bit of cross-border japery and Highlander 2 was not a violent affront to all that is good and decent in the world.

And things only got worse for officialdom when UEFA fined Manchester City $38,000 for tardiness and Porto just €12,666 for racism. Priorities much?

God help you if turn up late when denigrating someone for their ethnicity; unless you try to cleave their shin in two with the studs of your boot - then you'll probably win a prize.

Like a night out with Mohamed Al Fayed so he can explain why referees are easier to sway than Royal Inquiries into the death of princesses.

Yes, all is going swimmingly in football land. No wonder Sepp Blatter is dancing.

Under the bridge

Motherwell's bus driver may have found the mother lode of trouble after getting the team stuck under an Edinburgh bridge after its 1-1 draw with Hibs.

The incident got The Circus a-wondering: when was the last time someone in football misjudged the height of something so badly?

Corruption of youth

Remember that Simpson's episode when Homer wins a Grammy and he gives it to the bellhop who tosses it over the hotel balcony?

Ladies and gentlemen, AC Milan midfielder Sulley Muntari is football's Grammy award:

Nice one, kid - he's not going to be led astray.

Unlike the young boy posing for this photo with Santos Laguna defender Felipe Baloy.

Notice something amiss in the pic? That's right, the plastic bag. Most environmentally unfriendly.

Next time you buy soft porn literature, Felipe Baloy, insist on a paper bag - the earth will love you for it. And they're more opaque.

The spoken word

“We will win the World Cup in 2014.” – Brazil boss Mano Menezes throws petrol on the host nation’s bonfire of hope leading into the next World Cup.

Italy’s (and Mario Ballotelli’s) manager, Cesare Prandelli, also believes he will win the World Cup in 2014... the World Cup of KGDATLOHFTWOAS.

Nureyev, Baryshnikov and Szczesny

The Circus has learned a lot about a football club from how their players spend their days off.

For instance, fireworks, darts and champagne-fuelled liaisons with ladies of the night are not ideal preparation for the rigours of first team football. Just ask Mario Balotelli and Roberto Mancini how that works out.

Similarly, smoking shisha pipes can't be good for the lungs, although QPR's Adel Taarabt escaped major censure for his recent post-match puff. It didn't help him against Manchester United, though. No doubt Rangers boss Mark Hughes and his City counterpart Mancini would prefer their wayward stars took up more a more noble form of recreation. Like knitting, or ballet.

Judging by the weekend's results, the Gunners' quartet of Wojciech Szczesny, Alex Song, Bacary Sagna and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain might be on to something.

But the Circus can only wonder what Martin Keown, who features in a fleeting cameo, was thinking through the whole episode. The vision of the ex-Arsenal defender and his grizzled colleagues Nigel Winterbottom and Tony Adams in tights is almost too much to bear.

Referees, what a great bunch

The Circus can't quite understand all the recent scorn that has been directed at referees and their assistants. This week, they have clearly outlined what is acceptable behaviour on the pitch and what is not.

A studs-up challenge that connects with an opponent's knee and almost breaks a leg is fine and not worthy of a card. See Mario Balotelli's challenge on Alex Song.

Players who rest their hands on opponents and force them to completely lose balance, as though they have been hit by a Mack truck, simply must be eradicated from the game.

Even if the player in question was a mile off side in the first place. The only way to stamp out this outrageous behaviour is to send off the offender, even if it was not a direct goal-scoring opportunity.

Fortunately, Patrick Vieira backed away from his assertion that Manchester United get preferential treatment at Old Trafford. He would have risked looking terribly ridiculous after this weekend's round of matches.

By the numbers

10 - Papiss Demba Cisse's tally of Premier League goals in 2011-12

9 - games played by the Newcastle striker

68 - Cisse's strike rate in minutes per goal. The best in EPL history

5 - Michael Owen's tally of Premier League goals in three seasons at Manchester United

187 - Owen's strike rate in minutes per goal at Manchester United

The spoken word

"The key thing from my point of view is you have to be 100 per cent right to give the decisions and at the moment I think people are guessing and hoping that they get decisions correct. I think that was the case today. You should have confidence that the referees are going to make the key decisions in the game and, just lately, I think a lot of managers have lost faith in them."

- Former Manchester City manager Mark Hughes joins the growing chorus of discontent after Manchester United's Ashley Young was rewarded with a penalty for a blatant dive against QPR.