Success is the best revenge

Robin Van Persie and the African elephant share a few things in common. They are both mammals. They are both better at football than Andre Santos. And they both have long memories.

In August, after Van Persie's decision to leave Arsenal and sign with Manchester United, Gunners fan and plump English newsman Piers Morgan had this to say on Twitter:

"@piersmorgan: Funny, I thought@piersmorgan: Funny, I thinksy"o be a champ.. so many #Tears4Piersy"de this day even more special! All the best, Van Pursestrin @Persie_Official was different. But he turned out to be just another mercenary, heartless, selfish little s**t."

So began the winter of Piers's discontent, filled with pot-shots at 'Van Pursestrings' whenever the perpetually indignant CNN anchor felt the urge.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, however. Not unlike an ice-cream cake, of which Morgan appears to have consumed several. And he may need another to cry into after Van Persie posted this in the mail:

The caption: "Piersy my man, thanks for all the support! You made this day even more special! All the best, Van Pursestrings".

And on the back: "Great to be a champ... so many #Tears4Piersy".

The Circus understands Morgan is now grabbing a napkin, 'cause he just got served.

Maradona targets pasta heaven

In bad news for his waistline, and for Italy's wheat crops, Diego Maradona could soon be taking the reins at Serie A club Napoli.

"The only coach ... for Napoli is Diego Maradona," the Argentinean legend's ever-busy lawyer told Radio Italiana CRC.

"He would be very happy for having the chance of returning to the club, maybe as a sports director or simply for being with the team in Europe ... He would be suitable at any role."

Hmm, maybe. While Maradona stood alone as a player his coaching style is better described as 'unique'. In 18 strange months as manager of Argentina the porky genius called up over 100 players, and his World Cup demands in South Africa included two toilets and six Playstations per hotel suite, white walls in every room, and ten hot dishes and three deserts every day.

He left the job with zero trophies.

A win-win situation

There's much to be said for losing, and some of it's pretty good. Failure helps us to learn and it helps us to grow. It teaches humility and courage and grit.

But against that, losing tends to sucks – and so Brendan Rodgers wants nothing to do with it. On the hunt for new recruits, the Liverpool manager has declared that only "winners" will get a run in his team.

"In order to breed the consistency needed to give us success, we need to bring in winners – those with the winning mentality," he told the club's official website.

Ahh, the old Manchester City mantra: if at first you don't succeed, buy the players who did.

The new goal celebration benchmark

At the age of 25, Barcelona star Lionel Messi has already achieved plenty. Four consecutive Ballons d'Or. Two Champions League trophies. Fashion icon status.

But there's one glaring absence on the Argentine's resume – he has never celebrated a goal by taking off his shorts, putting them on his head and taunting the crowd.

Checkmate, Mario Gjurovski:

Cristiano Ronaldo, Messi's number-one rival in the football god stakes, already has a leg up on his competition in this regard. Here's the Real Madrid striker in desperate need of some pants.

Spoken word

"All the decisions [I make], they are for the good of football." – UEFA president Michel Platini probably has his detractors on this one.

Child’s play

Yeah, everyone in the world has seen this by now and sure it’s cute but that doesn’t stop it being a clear handball at the 12-yard mark:

That didn’t seem to bother the assembled Chelsea fans, however, who chanted out “sign him up!” as goalkeeper Ross Turnbull’s son dribbled adorably towards goal.

The Circus bets Rafa Benitez wishes he could have enjoyed the same amount of affection from the terraces, and perhaps he would have if he’d been cuter and behaved like a two-year-old.

Aha! So that’s the appeal of Jose Mourinho.

Turnbull jnr wasn’t the only child in action on a football pitch recently, either. Atletico Madrid decided to take on 130 of them all at the same time:

Um ... Falcao. Competitive much? How about giving the kids a chance to kick it instead of potentially taking some out with that spinning volley. Which you missed, btw.

Did you see that, David Moyes?

But to see some grown-ups making the game seem like utter child’s play, check this out:

Psychic elephants never forget

It’s been far too long since football was graced with a prognostic beast (god keep you well, Paul the Octopus) but a German wildlife park has, it says, uncovered an elephant by the name of Nelly with soothsaying abilities.

Presented with two goals, Nelly kicks a ball into the goal representing the winner of a match.

In the UEFA Champions League final, Nelly is backing Bayern Munich.

Brave prediction Nelly, but even if you’re wrong Chelsea fans will probably want to sign you up.

Kick-off’s at tooth-hurty

This video might start a bit of chatter.

It seems one fan was so despondent at the performance of Argentinos Juniors, he threw his dentures onto the pitch in protest.

Maybe he thought the team could do with a little more bite? Or perhaps he was frustrated that the players didn’t seem to know the drill.

Sometimes, the tooth hurts but it’s still no fun to watch your season decaying like that.

Clearly, this fan is abscessed with football although as a form of physical critique, throwing your teeth on the pitch isn’t what The Circus would call incisorive.

Of course, when it comes to things that come out of a human body, there are worse than dentures to deal with.

Manchester Yankees

Manchester City has teamed up with Major League Baseball's New York Yankees in a new MLS venture NYFC.

Apart from the obvious financial advantages of hopping into bed with one of the world’s largest sports franchises, City could benefit in a whole host of fashions.

Like secondments of back-room staff, for instance:

Spoken word

"It shows me FIFA, as a body which says what's good for the game, ignores completely the day-by-day basis in those leagues who are effectively the core and the heart of football - not the tournament that comes up every four years."- Bundesliga chief Christian Seifert forewarns any attempt to move the 2022 World Cup to winter would be met with a legal challenge by a consortium of powerful European Leagues.

Anyone else think having the World Cup in Qatar is a really, really, really terrible idea?

Oh hi, Sepp. The Circus didn’t see you there.

More sleuthing required

Last week The Circus brought you the tale of Michael Owen, super sleuth, swapping his Stoke City kit for a fedora and pipe to solve the great cake mystery.

We're not too sure whether he ever caught up with the culprit, as he was probably distracted by actually having to play football for a whole 20 minutes without getting injured on the weekend.

It doesn't matter if he flunked his first case though, because it turns out Stoke City is for Owen what Bayport was for the Hardy Boys - a city with many mysteries in need of solving.

Now he has hung up his barely scuffed boots, it's time for Owen to again pick up the magnifying glass, call his perplexed cat "Watson" and get to the bottom of the swine's noggin mystery.

It turns out some Stoke City prankster put a pig's head in the locker of striker Kenwyne Jones.

Jones, in his haste, passed up the Owen method of sleuthing (eye every single person associated with the team with suspicion) and took the more direct approach of throwing a brick through the window of Glenn Whelan's Porsche.

Owen can probably count himself lucky it was only eggs and flour that were thrown at his car.

Another 'poodunnit?'

Of course mysteries don't only need to be solved at Premier League clubs; plenty of unexplained goings on occur at the Championship level as well.

There is a big stink over at Bright and Hove Albion after manager Gus Poyet sent a furious email to management trying to flush out the culprit who went potty in the opposition change rooms prior to the play-off semi final against Crystal Palace last week.

Poyet was so unhappy that he suggested a punishment even harsher than having a brick thrown through the window of the culprit's luxury car.

"I am angry that someone within this club could endanger our good reputation and stoop so low. I would like someone to accept responsibility and resign," Poyet wrote in his all staff email.

For daring to question the ethics of taking a dump in the opposition dressing rooms, Poyet found himself suspended by the club. That sort of thing is probably considered a plus in the Premier League however, which must be why he is being considered by both Everton and Fulham.

Footballers ... dey make-a da money

When you're a young, rich, coddled superstar of the Premier League, one of the biggest problems you face is what to do with the cash literally sprays out of the ATM in a giant, whirling tornado of currency every time you try to make a withdrawal.

Some collect it all up in a big bag for the world to see, or stuff as much as they can into their pockets. Others frit it away on the ponies or use it in a pinch when they've run out of Sorbent.

For Sunderland's Phil Bardsley, these solutions weren't quite adequate. Instead, he went the artsy-fartsy route: lie on the carpet of a Newcastle casino and pose for photos as your friends arrange £50 notes on and around your body.

It's a timeless, if not derivative, statement on religion, wealth and the pseudo-worship of men who kick balls around for a living. Good show.

Unfortunately for Bardsley he's managed by Paolo Di Canio, an art-hater who probably gives the stink eye to children and puppies.

Old man Di Canio has vowed never to field Bardsley again, adding: "In a week I have given seven players fines. It’s not acceptable."

"I thought at Swindon in League Two, arrogant, ignorant footballers in some way don’t know [how to behave] exactly because they’ve not had many chances at the top level.

"I have to tell you I have found a worse environment in terms of discipline at this club."

Perhaps Bardsley should have tried interpretative dance instead.

Spoken word

"1-1 at Newcastle." – Ex-Tottenham owner Sir Alan Sugar incorrectly tweets that the Magpies have levelled with Arsenal, sparking some embarrassing premature celebrations at White Hart Lane.

Come on Watford, do the right thing

The Circus is getting excited. Heavy breathing, fidgety fingers, leaky bladder - the whole kit and caboodle. Why? Because this guy is one win away from returning to the Premier League:

Need we remind you why this is a wonderful, wonderful thing?

Ian Holloway – the man, the myth, the legend, and now with a $60 million war chest being dangled in front of his face if he can secure promotion with Crystal Palace.

Not to exaggerate, but if Holloway languishes in the Championship for another season it will be the greatest tragedy in all of human history.

Seriously, just have a look at the gaffer giving it a bit of the jimmy leg after Palace's 2-0 win over Brighton:

He's the hero we need right now. Not you, Watford. Scram.

It's John Terry's world

When Chelsea confirmed that John Terry would sit out the Europa League final with a groin strain, more than a few of us had a chuckle at his expense.

Har har har, we thought, imagine him getting kitted up at the last second to lift the trophy again. Like a twat.

Err...

There's only one word for this sort of intentionally objectionable behaviour. Terry is a troll. He probably spends his downtime making sad faces at Fernando Torres and updating Joey Barton's Twitter account for him.

And what's the easiest way to spot a troll? By examining the reactions they elicit from otherwise normal people. Search "John Terry" on Twitter for proof, or better yet, watch this with the sound way, WAY up:

Fighting fire (racism) with fire (more racism)

Galatasaray's African trio Didier Drogba, Emmanuel Eboue and Dany Nounkeu were racially abused by fans of rival club Fenerbahce on the weekend. Chants, banners, bananas. The usual.

In response, the Istanbul giant's players decided to paint their faces black for their next match in a show of solidarity.

"Hold it right there." – Harry Connick Jr.

This isn't even close to the first time a stunt like this has been attempted. In 2001 Italian club Treviso's players emerged from the tunnel with their faces painted black in a protest against their own fans.

And even Fernando Torres has done his bit for the cause:

That's just the sort of joke John Terry would laugh at.

How to (not) silence a protest

Switzerland is a land of bankers – but that's only one of its problems.

According to some people, it's also got a few football hooligans: new security measures at stadiums have made fans as mad as hell. Thousands of spectators boycotted part of this week's Zurich derby in protest, spending the first ten minutes standing outside.

It's a powerful statement, the sound of silence – but doesn't make great TV. Swiss broadcaster SRF was later forced to apologise after admitting it had added fake crowd noise to its coverage.

Spoken word

“Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.” - The soon-to-retire David Beckham arguably had football's best hair. But not, perhaps, its best brain.

The baby elephant in the room

Roberto Mancini’s exit from Manchester City has been accompanied by an outpouring of love, so long as the thing you love is sharpening a knife and plunging it in to a still-warm carcass.

Former City kit man Stephen Aziz took to Twitter and and began thus: “not my style to come in here and bad mouth someone but ...”

And the "but" is the important part of that message because Aziz then proceeded to call Mancini arrogant, vain, self-centred, ignorant, rude and a “piece of work”.

Remember, though, bad-mouthing people is not Aziz’s style, which no doubt explains why he later deleted the tweets from his account. A man of principle, then.

But Aziz is not Robinson Crusoe on the island of Let’s Kick Mancini. Several respected pundits and someone from The Sun says Mancini should not be remembered as a wronged hero.

City fans will probably end up remembering him as the manager who oversaw the club’s first Premiership title in 44 years.

The Frankston tuxedo

Marseilles has released an all denim away kit for next season. Kings of Leon are big fans, apparently.

And here is Joey Barton modelling it while celebrating the arrival of a new shipment of chiko rolls at the cafeteria.

Stone ages

Champion of human rights and Sepp Blatter, Sepp Blatter has come out swinging at the size of the fine handed out to Roma by the Italian Football Association for racist abuse levelled at Kevin Prince Boateng and Mario Balotelli.

Said the FIFA chief, “what is surprising and is not understandable for me, is that the disciplinary committee of the Italian Football Federation has taken a decision, not even 24 hours after the event, by just imposing a fine. They have not made any investigation of what happened.”

So Italian football authorities can count themselves part of a very exclusive club indeed: those less enlightened than Sepp Blatter.

Speeding, not fine

Here is Wigan Athletic winning the FA Cup ... but really fast:

Fleeting wasn’t it? Like Wigan’s EPL season.

Spoken word

“Maybe, with this guy, I have to slap his face a little bit.”

- Sunderland manager and doyen of man management Paolo Di Canio addresses Connor Wickham’s preference for tight shirts. Yeah, The Circus is confused too.

The great cake mystery

It may not have passed with the same fanfare as the retirement announcements of Sir Alex Ferguson or Paul Scholes, but Michael Owen played his last home game for Stoke on the weekend.

As is befitting such a momentous occasion the players decided to chip in and get him a cake… well, sort of. They provided the eggs and flour and instead of presenting it to Owen they delivered it to his Mercedes AMG C63.

This is what I will miss once I hang up my boots! Looks like I may be delayed getting to the match. #eggs&flour twitter.com/themichaelowen…

The 33-year-old striker, who managed a whole seven games for Stoke City, saw out his career in the fashion he has become accustomed to, sitting on the bench as an unused substitute. Rather than moping about his lack of match time though, Owen turned detective to try and find the culprit.

It's a long week lads. Revenge is in the air! Chief suspects: Whitehead and Whelan. Huth is a possible too. twitter.com/themichaelowen…

Walters is a possible. Others who can't be ruled out: Crouch, Ethrington.

Now The Circus rarely turns its hand to detective work, but we reckon if Owen really wants to crack the case of the caked car he might want to try harder than looking in his teammates' pantries for flour and eggs.

Who called it worse?

In the red corner, American announcer Gus Johnson channels his inner lord of darkness while calling Ben Watson's late winner for Wigan in the FA Cup final:

And in the blue corner, Sky Sports commentator Johnny Phillips' brain crashes and reboots as Watford stuns Leicester in the 97th minute of their Championship playoff:

There's a first time for everything

Wayne Rooney, a man with a real sense of occasion, watched Sir Alex Ferguson's final game at Old Trafford from the executive suite on Sunday.

Afterwards, Geoff Shreeves attempted to get to the bottom of Rooney's no-show and nearly fell over when Fergie broke with the habit of a lifetime and gave a straight answer:

Oh, you mean he has requested a transfer? Well, blimey.

Meanwhile, Paolo Di Canio is fast gaining a reputation as a manager with loose lips to go with his loose ideological views.

Here are the Italian's recollected thoughts on the two times Fergie tried to steal him away from West Ham:

"He called me two Christmas Days in a row and I thought it was my friend," Di Canio said.

"I said, 'F**k off.' He said, 'No, Paolo, this is Alex.' I said, 'Alex who? Is this you, you motherf***er?'"

Touching.

Spoken word

"Has anyone checked to see if the net needs first aid?! Boooooom!" – Rio Ferdinand enjoys a crow on Twitter after scoring his first goal in five years at Old Trafford.

Your place or mine? 69.

Not that it is over confident or anything but Manchester City has given its fans the chance to play FA Cup Bingo lest they become bored watching the Citizens surge to an inevitable thumping of Wigan in the Cup final.

The concept is simple: cross of the clichés and you win.

Entries include “Wembley described as a sea of blue”, “shot of Noel Gallagher in the posh seats” and “Agueroooooooooooo!”

Entries do not include “Wembley is giving City the blues”, “Noel Gallagher has taken a shot at Posh while seated” and “Nooooooooooooo!”

However the bingo turns out, The Circus just hopes that Barry from Watford is calling it:

Of course if the one-sided contest many fear does eventuate, fans need not resort to bingo; they can always entertain themselves with the glories of FA Cup finals past:

86-year-olds just want to have fun

Real Madrid legend and honorary president Alfredo Di Stefano's plan to wed a woman 50 years his junior is already coming unstuck thanks to his meddling kids.

Di Stefano's five children are understandably horrified at the thought of their father settling down with 36-year-old Gina Gonzalez, presumably because he could do much better:

The siblings filed an injunction against the marriage in a Madrid court and asked the judge to declare their father 'mentally and physically incapable' of making the decision to wed, though there are several other aspects of the marital arrangement that could surely fit under that umbrella.

Yes, The Circus just went there.

Oops-a-daisy

Velez Sarsfield striker Jonathan Copete put in his entry for 'miss of the millennium' with this effort in the Argentine premier division on Wednesday:

And now for something far more embarrassing – Vinnie Jones' acting. The ex-Wimbledon midfielder (and famed squeezer of Gazza's auld onion bag) has been playing a diehard Arsenal fan/murderous psychopath on the current season of US television show Elementary.

His character, who previously turned down an amorous prostitute to watch the Gunners, ended his life (oops: spoiler alert) in last week's episode; but not before getting in one last Arsenal reference:

Still not quite as shameful as this, though:

Spoken word

“I called him yesterday and he told me he has decided to go now because there is too much stress nowadays.”

- Fabio Capello mistakenly thinks somebody cares about his insight into the retirement of Manchester United Manager Alex Ferguson.

Fergie’s time

“Tis our fast intent to shake all cares and business from our age, conferring them on younger strengths, while we unburdened crawl towards death.”

King Lear said that. He was famous for getting really, really angry and screaming at things that didn’t want to listen, like the Gods - which is what people in Shakespeare’s time had instead of the Football Association.

Unlike King Lear, Alex Ferguson is a real person. But like the mad king, he is also shaking the cares and business from his age, announcing his retirement at the age of 71. Did anyone else hear Mike Dean exhale?

Fergie, too, has a bit of a temper:

It was 1986 when Alex Ferguson took the reins at Manchester United, almost 27 years and 13 titles ago.

It was the year Ferris Bueller took a day off, Falco entreated Amadeus to rock him and the film <i>The Golden Child</i> was released. And just like that Eddie Murphy star vehicle, Ferguson has stayed fresh and relevant all this time.

So fresh and relevant in fact that the space he leaves at United is more a chasm and almost impossible to fill for his replacement.

The man now being tipped for that role is Everton manager David Moyes, which is a shame because The Circus was looking forward to Malcolm Glazer and Roman Abramovich stripping bare to the waist and duking it out for the services of Jose Mourinho.

Anyway, The Circus salutes you Mr Ferguson. As seminal pop-punk band The Pixies (formed in 1986) sang, “here comes your man” and never has Old Trafford seen quite a man like Alex. The shadow he casts there is long indeed.

Something lacking

Tottenham Hotspur boss Andre Villas-Boas attacked Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny for showing a lack of respect by commenting on Spurs’ lack of quality while simultaneously claiming Chelsea lacks style.

Unfortunately for AVB and his team, the thing Tottenham really lacked was another goal when it drew with Chelsea in a crucial Premier League clash at Stamford Bridge.

Not even the mercurial Gareth Bale got the chance to celebrate with his trademark - as in actually trademarked - goal celebration.

Yes, Bale launched a case to protect the valuable intellectual property of the number 11 surrounded by a love heart made from the hands of Count Dracula.

Maybe a sweet win at the trademark office will compensate with Spurs seemingly destined to again miss the UEFA Champions League and, yet again, finish lower than Arsenal.

No wonder Szczesny doesn’t respect you, AVB.

Flat-out

For some, football is easy. Watch this striker do it lying down:

It got The Circus thinking: how great would football be if the players were always mysteriously falling over?

Worst. Dive. Ever.

Spoken word

Outgoing Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson has too many wonderful words attributed to him for The Circus to compile - so it let someone else do it instead.

For the record, here is one The Circus thinks sums him up: raw; funny; lyrical, sharp; and, in an odd sort of way, touching:

"I remember the first time I saw him. He was 13 and just floated over the ground like a cocker spaniel chasing a piece of silver paper in the wind." - Ferguson on Ryan Giggs.

Is Van Persie too nice for Old Trafford?

You don't win 20 League titles by being nice. Look at the way Sir Alex Ferguson treats the media, the referees, officials, his own players, talkback callers, people who make eye contact with him, etc and that should give you some indication of what is required to achieve sustained success at the top level of English football.

We know Wayne Rooney (language warning) understands that football isn't about playing nice.

Or about looking after the fans:

But after just one season on the roster, it doesn't appear as though the message has gotten through to Robin van Persie.

RVP this week announced that he would snub the No.9 shirt next season to look after fans who had already forked out cash to get a Van Persie No. 20 kit.

"I don't want to be harsh to the fans who have No. 20 on their kit. I don't want them to have to buy a new shirt," Van Persie told the club's web site.

Now saying something like that might make him a hero in The Circus's book, but we're pretty sure all the Glazers heard was Van Persie saying "I want to cost the club millions" and Fergie is already preparing his star striker for the first hair-dryer treatment of his career.

Brazilians are strange, aren't they

What can The Circus say about Chelsea defender David Luiz? Nice lad, shame about the hair. Maybe it's a popular look in Brazil, if Brazil is some kind of bizarro land where big posteriors are celebrated and glam metal never died.

Hailing from this land of opposites might also explain Luiz's odd response to pain stimuli. Rather than gnash his teeth, call out for his mama and swear vengeance on those who wronged him, Luiz instead giggles to himself as he lolls about in agony:

It's almost enough to make you think Rafael didn't do all that much damage when he chopped the Blues defender down. But then, how did he end up falling over? The mind boggles.

Also boggled is Sir Alex Ferguson, who slammed Luiz for acting like a "dying swan" after Rafael's challenge.

"You see that with these European, foreign and South American players," the United gaffer said after the match, somewhat ironically given, well, this.

Elmohamady is ready for his close-up

How does Ahmed Elmohamady react at the moment Hull City's promotion to the Premiership is confirmed? He shrugs off his team-mates, kisses his bicep and shuffles. A lot.

Get a load of the Tigers winger mugging for the camera in this video of Hull City celebrating Leeds United's 2-1 win over Watford on the final match day of the Championship:

Elmohamady has either patented the next dance craze (the Elmo), put a target on his back for next season or given Aleksandar Kolarov something to work with.

Spoken word "He did what? Il a mangé?" – Tottenham defender Benoît Assou-Ekotto had no idea Luis Suarez bit Branislav Ivanovic until his barber told him.

Mario's got 99 problems

But his girlfriend is no longer one of them, according to the extremely reputable scribes at The Sun.

Balotelli's significant other, Belgian model Fanny Neguesha, has apparently walked out on her Italian beau after he joked that Real Madrid's entire team could sleep with her if they made it to the UEFA Champions League final.

With his girlfriend out of the picture, Balotelli has more time up his sleeve to address his other 98 problems. The first one – where to park the £200,000 Ferrari 458 Italia he supposedly bought to console himself after the break-up – is easy. Duh, anywhere you like Mario. The world is your parking lot.

The next 97 are outstanding parking fines and the last is people making up ridiculous quotes and attaching his name to them to sell newspapers.

Of course, The Circus would never stoop to commit such journalistic crimes, and to prove this point we reached out to Balotelli to ask him how he was faring after the break-up.

"I am famous. Why do I care?" he said, but probably in Italian.

Life is cruel

“If you want a friend in politics, buy a dog,” as someone or other once said – and the same seems to hold true for football. Chelsea reached a second European final in 12 months and you’d think that that would have been a moment for the manager to enjoy.

Nope: poor old Rafa Benitez has never had much love from the fans. All he could hear from Chelsea supporters at Stamford Bridge were chants of “Bring back Mourinho” (“Rafa Out” banners having recently been banned).

And the next morning, all he could read were reports that Jose Mourinho recently met with Chelsea’s owner and accepted a $15 million deal to return to the fold.

Wife to Suarez: Constant nagging

Ex-Manchester City ace Balotelli may be footloose and fancy-free again but Luis Suarez is fast finding out that even the rich and famous have to answer to their embarrassed spouses.

Suarez's better half, Sofia, has apparently been nagging him to rehabilitate his image since he decided to share his taste for sweet, sweet human flesh with the world.

"My wife has made observations like, 'You were arguing with the referee and the defenders too much; you didn't really seem up for it; you might as well have not been on the pitch'," Suarez told Liverpool's official magazine.

We feel you, Luis. The Circus gets that all the time. Just last week Mrs Circus read this column comparing the Champions League semi-finals to The Voice and wrote 66 angry comments about it under various pseudonyms.

Et tu, wifey? Never mind Luis, The Circus has just the tonic for that heavy heart of yours:

Either that or go snack on some sweet, sweet human flesh, you toothy weirdo.

Got the Kleenex handy?

MLS side Portland Timbers answered a call from the Make-A-Wish Foundation on behalf of eight-year-old Atticus Lane-Dupre on Wednesday, and oh dear something is stuck in The Circus's eye.

Lane-Dupre, who was diagnosed with cancer last year, captained the Green Machine against the Timbers in front of 3,000 fans and scored four goals in a 10-9 triumph:

Asked afterwards to name his favourite of the four goals, Lane-Dupre shot back: "The one where I nutmegged Will Johnson."

Eat on that, Will.

Spoken word

"German football doesn't have the quality. The final in Wembley will be poor." – RTE pundit and former Republic of Ireland international Eamon Dunphy, sounding more like Phil Dunphy.

Sliding doors

Real Madrid’s expected but stirring exit from the UEFA Champions League was followed by an intriguing but frustrating interview with manager Jose Mourinho.

Just as the Special One was about to reveal his special plans for next season, the interviewer cut him off:

It got The Circus thinking of that Gwyneth Paltrow movie about alternate realities... you know, ‘Duets’.

What if in some other world - a world where that post-match interviewer is not some hack station lackey - Mourinho had actually revealed what “where people would love me to be” meant?

What if that did not mean England as the interviewer so abruptly supposed?

What if Mourinho has other aspirations?

What if it meant as Secretary-General of the United Nations? Or a world-famous flautist, cloning pioneer or contestant on Celebrity Splash where he could fulfil his (and everyone’s) lifelong desire of being ringing wet and within spitting distance of Demi Harman?

Except, like pretty much all Gwyneth Paltrow films, the ending's going to turn out boring and predictable: he'll go to Chelsea.

And who knows how that will turn out? If Roman Abramovich's history is anything to go by, probably like the film Seven.

Hipster gamer

You might not expect grizzled Juventus player Andrea Pirlo to be a sucker for modernity but that beard hides a serious passion for PlayStation, a device Pirlo rates as second to only the wheel as an achievement of the human mind.

"After the wheel, the best invention is the PlayStation," he said in a recent interview.

See?

In fact, so great is Pirlo’s love of the joystick that he and former Milan team-mate Alessandro Nesta once hatched a plan to kidnap the boss of their favourite virtual team Barcelona, Pep Guardiola.

Sadly, the plan was abandoned. The conspirators worried fights over Guardiola’s services would have seen him sawn in half.

“He would have suffered, the poor guy,” laughed Pirlo; the kind of laugh the insane keep specially for the objects of their delusional desires.

Pirlo details his losses to Nesta and subsequent tantrums - with both men imaginatively choosing to play Barcelona, he could not blame his crap players like he could have done if he’d been Milan.

Then again, maybe Pirlo should have played himself; he seems to be pretty handy:

Or maybe he just enjoys the acrobatic skills of some Barca players:

Pointed reference

With Dortmund and Bayern both going through to contest the UEFA Champions League Final at the expense of Spanish giants Real Madrid and Barcelona, the Germans are not missing their chance to stick it to their continental rivals... literally:

Spoken word

“Some would say we lacked his fighting spirit in the midfield”. – Chairman of the relegated Queens Park Rangers Tony Fernandes laments the loss of Joey Barton and his fighting spirit, even if it meant he usually punched on with members of his own team.

Creating camaraderie

Being relegated from the Premier League must be as gutting an experience as one can have in football, as Reading and Queens Park Rangers discovered this week.

Fortunately for QPR it didn't have to go through the experience alone, with on-loan team-mate Joey Barton there to offer some kind words of support.

"Gutted for the club. To many wankers amongst the playing staff. All brought in by Hughes. Some good lads but not enough. Too many maggots," Barton tweeted in a keen attempt to ingratiate himself with his team-mates if he makes a return to QPR next season in the Championship.

Barton left the club to join French giant Marseille on a season-long loan earlier in the campaign, but he is still contracted to QPR until 2015 and may yet be brought back to Loftus Road to try and win promotion back to the top flight. A thought that no doubt sits well with the maggots currently infesting the place.

The Marseille motormouth left most of the maggots unnamed, but he did save some special attention for Jose Bosingwa.

"I can't believe QPR have just been relegated and Boswinga was walking down the tunnel laughing! Embarrassing. Show some guts man..." Barton let fly.

It wasn't all invective though, with Barton at least smart enough to try and win the affection of QPR fans during his tirade.

"Its the club an supporters I feel for. They don't get the chance to move club or switch alliances, they are left to pick up the bits," his final tweet on the matter read.

The Circus is sure he'll be thinking of the fans as he looks for an excuse not to play for them next season.

Hair dare: Come on you Blues!

Mop-topped Everton midfielder Marouane Fellaini is lending his famous afro to a good cause, promising to dye it silver if the Toffees can raise $37,400 for the club's official charity.

"Our fans have already given thousands of pounds to support Everton in the Community but there's still a long way to go, so I hope that my silver hair challenge will help to bring in lots more money and make a difference," Fellaini said.

However, The Circus is saddened to report that just four percent of the target ($1,760) has been raised so far. What gives, Evertonians?

A chrome-domed Fellaini would be the greatest thing to happen to the Premier League since Djibril Cisse introduced the world to Stegosaurus hair at Liverpool.

Hell, anything is better than the time the Belgian tried out cornrows and got mistaken for a Latin King.

Liverpudlians in need and fans of stupid hairstyles won't be the only winners out of this charitable act either. Once Spaceship Earth has safely docked on Fellaini's head his mind will be insulated from the negative psychic forces that prey on other, less-silver craniums.

That's according to medium and healer Gary Spivey, who has been spruiking the benefits of a sterling hair helmet for years:

RVP makes dum-dum mistake

Here's Robin Van Persie accidentally heading towards Arsenal's dressing room before Manchester United's clash with the Gunners at the Emirates, then slapping himself on the forehead for being such a goof:

Spoken word

"It isn’t difficult. Di Canio is not a magician. I just know football." - Sunderland boss Paolo Di Canio takes all the credit for the Black Cats' turnaround in form. That can before the 6-1 thumping at Aston Villa.

Parking the bus in Dallas

As Australian football supporters work themselves into an off-season lather with the impending visits of Manchester United and Liverpool, spare a thought for the good citizens of Dallas, Texas, who must be positively ambivalent about Stoke City's scheduled tour in July.

With Sydney preparing to welcome Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie and Melbourne's Liverpool community practically selling out the MCG in anticipation of an appearance by Steven Gerrard and the zombie, the good denizens of Dallas can look forward to Ryan Shawcross, Kenwyne Jones and Matt Etherington.

There's also the minor matter of the attraction offered by US international Brek Shea, who was an FC Dallas regular before heading to England this season. Fellow Americans-on-Stoke Geoff Cameron and Maurice Edu (currently on loan in Turkey) should also turn some heads - according to Stoke CEO Tony Scholes, anyway.

"If there is one market right now where we can develop our own profile, then it has to be America due to the presence of three US internationals in our squad," Scholes said, before muttering under his breath, "because Tony Pulis' pragmatic brand of agricultural football certainly won't win us fans elsewhere." *

And who knows - the Potters might even still be in the Premier League come July! But whether Pulis joins them or not is still a matter of contention.

* May not have actually been muttered by Tony Scholes.

English clubs rue €5 million man

After Robert Lewandowski's four-goal demolition of Real Madrid in the UEFA Champions League semi-finals, The Circus joined football fans across the world in wishing that their club had had the chance to sign the Poland striker for a pittance four years ago.

That is, football fans across the world except those in Blackburn and north London, who couldn't bear to watch Lewandowski's masterclass without wanting to give up on football altogether.

At least Rovers fans can tell themselves it was all the pesky volcano's fault that it wasn't Rovers taking Jose Mourinho's men apart in the last four of Europe's biggest club competition.

The Circus suspects Tottenham fans, who have no convenient natural disaster to act as a scapegoat, would be about as charitable to their board as Madrid's fans were upon Ronaldo and company's arrival home.

To accurately reflect their rage, Spurs fans should reverse the Spaniards' "Less money, more balls" chant when spitting vitriol at Daniel Levy and his chums.

Baby steps for Balotelli and his butler

Antonio Nocerino has won 15 caps for Italy and forged a successful career in Serie A with Palermo and AC Milan. He can rightfully consider himself an established professional footballer in one of the world's top leagues.

This matters not a jot to Mario Balotelli. Where Mario Balotelli is concerned, Antonio Nocerino is a less a team-mate than a valet employed by the club to assist in Mario's preparations for training.

At least concerned Balotelli watchers can content themselves that Mario has now learned to (clumsily) dress himself just two years after failing Substitute's Bib 101 with Manchester City.

The spoken word

"The last game he went to was the Milton Keynes game, the (League One play-off) semi-final first leg (in 2011). We got beat and I said, 'Stay away'. He didn’t even come to Old Trafford for the final." - Peterborough United manager Darren Ferguson on why his famous father, Sir Alex, won't be anywhere near London Road on Saturday when Peterborough battle Sheffield Wednesday to stave off relegation from the Championship.

Achtung, baby

Germany. Economic superpower, industrial megalith and now, world football titan.

In first leg semi-final action, Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich scored a combined eight UEFA Champions League Goals to Real Madrid’s and Barcelona’s one.

Using sophisticated mathematical modelling, The Circus calculated that means German clubs are 800% more awesome than Spanish clubs. Or, to put it another way, Germany is Seal compared to Spain’s Joel Madden.

Meanwhile England, without a representative in the final four, is Delta Goodrem.

The results have some, including The World Game’s own David Zdrillic opining a seismic shift in power from Spain to Germany.

AS, the Spanish Sport Daily, summed up Barcelona’s humiliation thus: Fin de Ciclo (the era is over).

To put this in some perspective, Bayern Munich is 20 points clear of Dortmund in the Bundesliga and even Dortmund is, like, four times better than any of the best clubs from Spain, Italy or Delta Goodrem.

And that dominance has not been built on stereotypes of ruthless German efficiency but skilful, artful, total football.

And that makes Germany football’s new cool.

Certainly, a lot cooler than Dani Alves who perhaps signalled Barcelona’s impending disaster by showing his mind was more on juvenile fashion than football before his team’s ill-fated tie with Bayern:

Braaaiiiinnnnssss!

The 10-match ban handed out to zombie Luis Suarez for snacking on the arm of Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic has the Liverpool striker considering his future at Anfield.

Apparently, Suarez feels “victimised” by English authorities who are unsympathetic to his undead urges for sweet, sweet human flesh.

The Circus could not agree more. This is discrimination on a shocking scale.

It would advise Suarez to find more tolerant surrounds, where zombies are free to shuffle (and dive) around a pitch in a pale, painful imitation of life as it once to be.

Perhaps Wellington?

Of course, it could be worse.

Take this poor misunderstood soul who has been banned for life by the Indonesian Football Federation for this mild indiscretion:

At least Ivanovic was looking at Suarez when got gummed.

Nutmeg city limits

This week’s bravery award goes to goalkeeper Christoffer Källqvist for making a move we have all seen go so horribly wrong, go so terribly right:

And props to the opposition striker for not king-hitting Källqvist or trying to feast upon his still living flesh.

Spoken word

“It’s always sweet when you win the title and it’s nice to do it in the right way and in style, not on goal difference.” - The classy Rio Ferdinand shows his class but reminding everyone how Manchester United were not classy enough to win last season’s EPL Title even by the totally classless method of goal difference.

How to win friends and influence people

No stranger to controversy, Liverpool striker Luis Suarez outdid himself on the weekend when he took a bite out of Chelsea opponent Branislav Ivanovic's arm during the 2-2 draw at Anfield.

It isn't the first time that Suarez has found himself hankering for the taste of human flesh, having previously being suspended for chomping down on PSV Eindhoven midfielder Otman Bakkal while at Ajax.

The bite may add fuel to the fire for Liverpool to move the striker on despite what he has been able to deliver on the pitch, though Suarez has since apologised, and better still he seems to have brought new fans across to the game.

US boxing champion and famed ear-biter Mike Tyson heard news of the Ivanovic incident and instantly started following Suarez on Twitter. No, we are not making this up!

Tyson is possibly the world's most famous biter, having taken a chunk out of Evander Holyfield's ear during a heavyweight title fight in 1997.

Unfortunately, Canterbury Bulldogs prop James Graham, who nibbled on Billy Slater's cochlea during last year's NRL grand final isn't on Twitter, which explains why he isn't following Suarez and indeed why Tyson isn't following him. The Circus assumes they all meet up in some sort of club anyway.

An Odemwingie and a prayer

Walking, talking English bulldog Harry Redknapp was feeling in a reflective mood as QPR's campaign train pulled in to the relegation station with a 2-0 loss to Stoke.

The gaffer, who was steering Tottenham towards the UEFA Champions League just two years ago, is left to wonder what might have been had Peter Odemwingie not been struck down with an inopportune case of 'moron brains'.

Odemwingie, if you'll recall, showed up at QPR's Loftus Road home on the last day of the January transfer window and declared himself a Ranger, despite no paperwork being lodged with West Brom.

It was later revealed the striker had pulled the ripcord too early, infuriating the Baggies and embarrassing QPR, and no deal was struck.

Redknapp says Odemwingie might have made all the difference had he not scooped his own move.

"Apart from results, I wouldn’t have changed an awful lot about the last five months, really. I’d probably have tried harder to get the boy from West Brom, Odemwingie," he said.

"He might have really given us something up front, with Bobby Zamora not being 100 per cent fit. He might have scored four or five goals that make the difference.

"We couldn’t have got much closer to signing him – he was outside our front door – but he made one big mistake, the kid. He turned up at the football club, he was silly."

Regrets, Harry has a few. So does Odemwingie judging from this recent tweet:

@OdemwingieP: "It's really sad were my relationship with many baggies fans got to now. Club will better last seasons record and that's most important."

:(

Speaking of regrets...

Here's Fulham midfielder Steve Sidwell earning a straight red for a dodgy challenge just 12 minutes into his return from a three-match ban for another dodgy challenge:

Sidwell's season is now over thanks to a new four-match suspension.

:(

Spoken word

"We've got to tweak the nose of fear, put an ice cube down the vest of terror." - Ian Holloway, friend of The Circus, says Crystal Palace must steel themselves as their promotion hopes rest of a knife's edge.

It's not what you say, it's how you say it

Manchester United flop Bebe's revelation that he put as much effort into his Old Trafford career as Sir Alex Ferguson put into in scouting him will surprise no one among the 27 people who have actually seen the Portuguese play for the Red Devils.

However, Bebe's attempts to attribute his struggles under Sir Alex to the manager's heavy Glaswegian accent don't wash with The Circus - not when he's had born and bred Scot Darren Fletcher at the club during his entire tenure to act as interpreter.

It certainly didn't stop Cristiano Ronaldo becoming one of the world's best players under Ferguson; in fact, Fletcher told the BBC in 2011 that Fergie's accent was a major part of United's success.

"The lads in our dressing room think it is the accent. People seem to pay attention when a Scots voice barks orders. There is something demanding about the Scottish accent," Fletcher told the BBC in 2011.

Bebe also told the Portuguese press that Fergie's famous hairdryer blasts at his players come from a caring, loving place, just like the boot he kicked at David Beckham's head.

"When he shouts at a player it is to help him so he feels he can do more. For example, he shouted at Nani many times. He always found a problem in everything he did. Probably because he thought he could be as good as Cristiano Ronaldo," Bebe said in an explanation so bizarre The Circus doesn't know where to start.

However, it's easy to see how Fletcher's recent injury problems have caused problems for the United players not accustomed to the intricacies of Fergie's accent.

The Circus has obtained a recording of one of Sir Alex's post-match rants as heard by a native Portuguese speaker and it's easy to see how Nani, Anderson, Bebe and co. could come away bewildered.

Neymar: Comic book hero

Wunderkind Neymar is set to become the Roy of the Rovers for a new generation of young Brazilians with the launch of his first comic book, following a path trodden by Pele, Ronaldinho and Ronaldo before him.

The first edition will be called 'A boy with talent', aping the modesty shown by Samuel Eto'o, who released his comic titled 'Eto'o's son: Birth of a champion' in January. Predictably, Neymar's ever-evolving hairstyles have caused the artist some consternation, along with Pele.

The Circus eagerly awaits the subsequent instalments of fictional Neymar, which will almost certainly not include 'The boy who refused to pass to his teammates', 'The referee thief who left in a police van' and 'The boy who cried wolf'.

Small mercies

The offside rule can so often be the bane of a footballer's existence but Fulham's Mladen Petric is saying a quiet prayer to the whichever imaginary deity takes his fancy after being saved from end-of blooper reels after his physics-defying miss against Chelsea:

It's all downhill from here

You know that feeling that at just 17 years of age, you've already had the greatest moment of your life? No? Argentina's youth international Sebastian Driussi does.

The spoken word

"After Mourinho we feel like orphans of someone who knows how to convey the sense of belonging to these colours."

- Inter Milan fans join Chelsea and Porto fans in clamouring for Jose Mourinho to return to their club. Funnily enough, Brendan Rodgers isn't doing the same for Rafa Benitez despite the Chelsea manager's stated desire to return to Liverpool.

Managerial disposition

The coach: a mentor; a confidant; a father figure; and sometimes, a dirty rotten scoundrel.

Manager of Croatian club NK Precko Zagreb, Josip Gaspar, has been arrested and sacked after stealing the credit card of a player and using it to make unauthorised purchases.

What kind of unauthorised purchases you ask? Why, 36 bottles of Jagermeister of course.

Gaspar might have gotten away with it too if he hadn’t decided 36 bottles was about 100 too few and went to another store to try and buy yet more booze on the card.

At least the credit card in question belonged to a player from an opposition club; stealing from your own players would just be plain wrong.

Also to Gaspar’s credit is the fact he did not violently assault anybody to occasion the theft.

Which is more than can be said for the coach of a Kenyan club who grabbed the nether regions of referee Martin Wekesa Wamalwa so violently that he contorted his testicles to the point of no longer functioning.

Wamalwa is now suing the Kenyan football Association for about a quarter of a million dollars.

Just as well the coach in question didn’t grab Mark Clattenburg’s privates otherwise the Kenyan FA would be in danger of bankruptcy.

One-(mind) eyed

It’s official: referees are delusional.

A study from Northumbria University has found individuals who achieve seniority in refereeing ranks tend to overestimate their officiating abilities.

Conversely, natural selection helps weed out those who do not think they are more gifted than their colleagues, have superior decision-making skills and are, in a word, great.

Wonder what the same study would have found out about professional footballers?

Anyhoo, it turns out this process is a good thing because it helps refs cope with the kind of bitter and personal abuse that would see lesser mortals somewhat down in the dumps.

But anyone who really thinks refs suffer from an inflated sense of self-worth ought to tell that to poor old Martin Wekesa Wamalwa.

Scissors sister

You know how Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi, like, hate each other’s guts and would totally scratch each other’s eyes out if given a license to stage an eye-scratching bout by the World Eye-Scratching Association?

No? Actually, come to think of it, either does The Circus. Either does Ronaldo’s girlfriend Irina Shayk, who happily resisted this idiotic prank that would have served to only further deify Messi and again make out Ronaldo as some cape-wearing moustachioed villain:

So life-affirming did The Circus find this vision that it watched it several times before going on to source other videos of Ms Shayk not cutting up shirts with scissors, pinking shears or any other bladed device.

Spoken word

“I love animals. I’ve got three dogs, a fish pond out the back and I feed foxes across the road. I am on medication and had been drinking”.

- Words of contrition from a Newcastle fan who, as The Circus reported earlier this week, was in hot water for punching a horse, Blazing Saddles style. The Circus would like to see how this gentleman treats creatures he despises.

It's a riot

When Millwall fans rioted after the club's 2-0 FA Cup semi-final loss to Wigan at Wembley, it was just par for the course. Rioting is what Millwall does best, although in a departure from normal Millwall incidents - where opposing fans have had to deal with attacks from iron bars, bricks and rocks - it appears this time the Millwall fans turned on each other, perhaps in attempt to win a Darwin Award.

Apparently word of an award ceremony for violence and idiocy quickly travelled east and the Geordies had no interest in letting Millwall take the title unchallenged. After losing 3-0 to bitter rival Sunderland, and perhaps more devastatingly giving fascist-sympathiser Paolo Di Canio his first win as manager, Newcastle fans decided to have a crack at being the biggest idiots of the weekend.

At least the Toon got a little creative trying to replicate the classic scene from Mel Brooks's Blazing Saddles, even if the effect was nowhere near like in the movies:

And the original for comparison:

Redknapp does his block

QPR manager 'Arry Redknapp's face is slowly caving in on itself as Rangers edges towards its inevitable relegation, and now his mind seems to be melting as well.

Evidence A: After the second-bottom battler gave up a 2-0 loss at home to Everton at the weekend, the miserable old sod let fly at his players with one of his trademark stinging rebukes.

Asked if he was preparing for a mass exodus from Loftus Road, 'Arry scoffed: "They won't go. How are they going to go? Who is going to pay them what they are earning here?"

"I hear that all the time, that if they get relegated they want to go because they don't want to play in the Championship.

"But if they f*****g played better then they would not be in the Championship, so that's a load of cobblers."

Mmm, cobblers. Speaking of sweets, get a load of these two tarts posing topless after West Ham's 1-1 draw at Southampton.

And just in case the horse hasn't quite perished already, here's Paolo Di Canio acting like a right muffin after Stephane Sessegnon opened the scoring at St James' Park:

The spoken word

"He nearly killed me! He forgets I’m 71!"

- Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson was happy striker Robin van Persie broke his goal-scoring drought, but was a little less appreciative of being jumped on and hugged straight afterwards.

Weapons of aural destruction

In wonderful news for fans of both football and undamaged eardrums, South African football authorities are considering a ban on the vuvuzela.

(Something about horses, gates and bolting probably goes here. However, chronic tinnitus that descended about the time of the 2010 World Cup has dulled The Circus' senses and prevents us from fully piecing it together. Apologies for the digression.)

It turns out that South African football fans have finally worked out that a moulded piece of plastic about a metre long might also be good for hitting things - specifically, referees - or hurling at people - specifically, losing coaches.

Concerned about the humble vuvuzela's potential to become a weapon of even greater destruction, Premier Soccer League officials are pondering a ban on the plastic horn that has joined Quinton Fortune* as the most recognisable symbol of South African football.

And if time has dulled your memory of the vuvuzela's four-week reign of terror on your television, never fear. The Circus presents 28 seconds of hell:

* You know, the former Manchester United midfielder who played in three Premiership-winning seasons without ever qualifying for a winners' medal? Oh. Neither does Sir Alex Ferguson.

Newcastle in Toon with teen idols

Speaking of aural atrocities, One Direction took time out from its latest tour for a five-a-side kickabout with members of Newcastle United's coaching staff.

In news that will relieve the Toon Army, a team including manager Alan Pardew and reserve team coach Peter Beardsley managed to comfortably account for the quintet of unfeasibly rich pop singers.

More concerning for Newcastle fans is Danny Simpson's eagerness to pose for a happy snap with band member Harry Styles.

Firstly, it brings Simpson's musical taste into serious question. Secondly, Rio Ferdinand is unlikely to take well to having someone else muscle in on his new BFF and could well take the opportunity to teach Simpson a lesson when the two sides meet next season.

On the plus side, the One Direction lads surely had time to repay Beardsley for the football lesson with a few tips on harnessing his own golden pipes. The Circus' tender ears have only just recovered from the mental scarring inflicted by Beardsley's last attempt at comedy singing.

Mini Messi

Just look at the amazing skills of this five-year-old kid from Argentina.

It is like he is a miniature Lionel Messi, well actually it is a miniature Messi.

The footage, as you can probably tell from the picture quality, was taken 20 years ago and shows him making a mockery of his adorably-helpless opponents, much like he does these days, although his opponents have probably lost something in the cute stakes.

The spoken word

"It makes me laugh when I hear that with just two or three new signings we can win the Champions League. Italian football has come to a standstill and that should be a concern for everyone." - Juventus manager Antonio Conte's assumption that the big-spending clubs from England, Germany, Spain and France have an altruistic bone in their bodies is admirable but misguided.

Avada Kedavra Platini!

Football has gone to the movies this week.

First it was West Ham United supporters who, likening Liverpool's hairless wonder Jonjo Shelvey to nasty baldy Voldemort, teased him with a chant of "Harry Potter is coming for you"!

Then, Dortmund fans paid an impressive, if baffling, tribute to peeping tom George McFly from Back to the Future with this pre-game tifo (which is apparently a word now).

And lastly, miffed president of Champions League semi-final loser Malaga, Abdullah Bin Nasser, likened Michel Platini to racist cop Rod Steiger from In the Heat of the Night.

Ironically, this occurred on the eve of UEFA announcing harsh new penalties for on- and off-field racism.

So if Nasser’s nutty Platini-sponsored racist conspiracy theory is proved to be true, UEFA would have to ban itself for a minimum of 10 matches.

And how would Lionel Messi win next year’s Ballon d’Or then? Hmmm?

Simply pants

Mirko Vucinic has decided it is seemly to remove one’s shorts in celebration upon scoring a goal:

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And this was after scoring a penalty. God knows what we’ll get when he cracks a field goal.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has also always wanted to take his pants off after scoring but has never played in a big enough stadium.

Tears of the north Wigan Athletic has failed to sell a third of its allocated 31,000 seats for the FA Cup semi-final against Millwall.

People there are obviously still too upset by the passing of Baroness Margaret Thatcher, and consumed by all she did for that northern mining community, to think about football.

Spoken word

“I don’t know who scored and I don’t even give a damn!” (or something pretty close) - An anonymous radio football commentator scotches perceptions that Germans are distant unemotional types during the final hectic minutes of his call of the match between Dortmund and Malaga.