Peter Odemwingie's guide to furthering your career
Mario Balotelli relocated to Milan this week without setting anything on fire in the company of Silvio Berlusconi, and likewise transfer deadline day was as notable for what did not happen as for what did.
Thomas Ince did not leave Blackpool, despite the considerable interest shown by both Liverpool and Reading in the young winger. Ince's contract runs out in the summer, so at least from the financial perspective it is a brave move from the Tangerines not to have taken the Premier League cash when they could.
Colombia super striker Radamel Falcao remains at Atletico Madrid. Nobody moved for David Villa. This Sky News reporter did not get through her report without two Norwich City fans enthusiastically humping in the background.
One man who pluckily did his best to make something happen on deadline day was Peter Odemwingie. Unfortunately for the West Bromwich Albion striker, he adopted the transfer technique recently pioneered by Harry Kewell. That is, rocking up unannounced at your preferred club.
"West Brom was my home but this is a new chapter," Odemwingie cheerily told reporters from his car after arriving at Queens Park Rangers. "I am happy with the trust Harry Redknapp has in me. The last few results have given us a chance to stay up."
Unfortunately the car park at Loftus Road was as far as Odemwingie got. Redknapp had not signed him, and Rangers did not let him inside the stadium because he did not have permission to be there.
"I feel sorry for the lad," Redknapp said later, charitably suggesting that "the wires got crossed somewhere".
West Brom chairman Jeremy Peace was less forgiving. "Peter has acted wholly unprofessionally. Odemwingie was never given permission to speak to QPR... He must now accept the fact he remains under contract for a further 18 months and has to focus on his Albion commitments."
At least, courtesy of Arsenal's Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, the spurned striker had somewhere to sleep.
QPR remains bottom of the Premier League, four points from safety, so the selfless Odemwingie presumably wanted to join the club because he was bored with West Brom's attempt to qualify for Europe and missed the thrill of a possible plunge back to the Championship.
In other news, Christopher Samba is on $150,000 a week.
Pajtim Kasami's loan move from Fulham to Pescara is in limbo because the internet connection in his agent's Milan hotel failed just as he was trying to lodge the paperwork.
Posssibly the wi-fi network was built by the same people who set up these goalposts.
Tangled up and blue
Congratulations to Sanharib Malki and Mike van Duinen, who showed the spirit that makes the Eredivisie great by managing to become attached to each other during a tackle.
Malki's attempts to free himself from van Duinen only earned him a red card, perhaps proving that despite its carefree reputation, Dutch society is still not ready to accept conjoined twins who play for opposing teams.
The spoken word
"In France you learn BBC English, you don't learn Geordie, so it's a little bit of a shock to the system." - Newcastle-based translator Sabine Rondet explains why it may not be smooth sailing for the 14 French players now on the Magpies' books.