London's biggest clubs are in crisis but nothing can stop Premier League footballers continually making tits of themselves.
By
The Circus, Patrick Devery

4 Dec 2012 - 12:49 PM  UPDATED 3 Mar 2014 - 4:59 PM

Selling your soul

It’s one thing to be English and know Germany is better at football than you are, quite another when the people who gave the world Kraftwerk start lecturing you about 'soul".

Not only that, but Borussia Dortmund boss Hans-Joachim Watzke has also claimed the romantic high ground over his brethren from across the Channel.

'The German is romantic: when there is a club, he wants to have the feeling it is my club, not the club of Qatar or Abu Dhabi', he said, polishing his monocle alluringly.

Yes, well known for their romance are the Germans. Think of all those famous German lovers like ... um .. Boris Becker ... and David Hasselhoff.

Watzke’s point is that foreign ownership is destroying the most fundamental relationship in football: that between club and fan.

The Circus isn’t so sure.

Chelsea fans still seem pretty invested in their club, despite being locked out of its ownership by Roman Abramovich’s billions.

And now they even have the luxury of knowing which man to burn effigies of next.

When they will turn this righteous anger on the puppeteer insanely twitching the strings is another matter.

And this is what is Watzke is getting at. With the fans in charge, Abramovich would be answerable to them, not his every cash-fuelled, deluded whim.

Chelsea’s manager would, in all likelihood, still be the man most likely to fill Fergie’s shoes at Manchester United and if the fans got fed up with him, they could do something a bit more meaningful about it than think up clever rhymes for Emily Blunt.

Yep, those Germans have the answers for everything. Of course, even for them, having fans in charge of football clubs can have its downside.

A Bould move

Chelsea is not the only mob under pressure. Arsenal has endured its worst ever start to an Arsene Wenger-led campaign and the stress is clearly getting to the manager’s right-hand man, Steve Bould.

Reportedly, Bould let loose at the players after the loss to Swansea, calling them "irresponsible" and claiming they had let the club down.

Now, appealing to a player's sense of duty to his club in this day and age seems a bit old-fashioned, a bit romantic, a bit - dare The Circus suggest it - German.

But it is probably exactly what Gunners' fans would want to scream at their players too with the team now sitting in tenth spot.

In fact, if Arsenal fans controlled the club Arsenal, old 'Fritz' Bould would probably be taking over the reins, with full licence to let fly at any player that even looked like passing it to Lukas Podolski.

And a bit further north, if Elgin City fans controlled Elgin City, the club would still be rubbish at football but as a haven for androgynous ravers it would have no peer:

Toilet humour

West Brom’s Liam Ridgewell has endeared himself to all and sundry by being photographed attending to matters personal with cold hard cash.

Lucky he’s not an A-League player, what with Australia’s plastic money and all.

Perhaps he is just angling for a Sorbent sponsorship.

Whatever the case, Ridgewell came out a winner.

There’s nothing fans love more than obnoxious displays of wealth, especially ones that come immediately before a loss.

And speaking of obnoxious displays of wealth, if the Mayans were right and it all kicks off in a couple of weeks, Mario Balotelli is well prepared ... so long as petrol supplies hold out, that is.

Spoken word

"Even when I said in my last conversation with him that I loved him, it was not good enough to keep him here." - Fulham manager Martin Jol reveals the decisive factor in former player Clint Dempsey’s move to Tottenham.