From wacky haircuts and genius toddlers and the odd cracking goal, the Circus runs the rule over the big football talking points.
With the glut of International football just at the mo', The Circus thought it would take the slightly off-kilter approach of keeping its thousands and thousands of devoted readers abreast of what's happening with the key national outfits... from a not altogether purely football perspective.
Old, slow and unable to actually play, the Socceroos nevertheless managed to drag their lifeless husks around Lang Park to secure a draw against younger, faster, sexier Japan. So much for media criticism that the Aussies were football's equivalent of zombies, although Mark Bresciano clearly needs to be fed more brains.
The three Lions may be unfashionable in Poland and the Ukraine but former boss Fabio Capello says England is still part of his heart. Which is why he has been contained by the US military in an underground facility in New Mexico for fear his giant heart will break loose and wreak havoc on the innocent.
Looks stable, strong and most likely to lead the pack of bickering and increasingly troubled European nations. The football team is going alright too.
Losses to Denmark and Germany had Wesley Sneijder attacking his teammates and their "pathetic egos" but at least the Dutch can still boast highest ratio of child geniuses in the tournament:
Of course, The Circus’s almost-two-year-old also recited the Dutch squad... although to be fair he was just talking gibberish and got the players’ names right by fantastic coincidence.
Stroke survivor Antonio Cassano is adamant there are no gay players in the Italian squad, which has Italy poised to become the straightest bunch of men who ever ran around kissing and hugging each other to win a major tournament.
It only took one loss for the Portugal coach Paulo Bento to realise star player Cristiano Ronaldo is actually a bit of a pain in the arse. So much for the theory that men whose first and last names all end in the same vowel will bond like ions. And speaking of '0', that is how many goals Ronaldo scored against Denmark:
After fans unfurled a mildly provocative banner, brawled with Polish fans in the streets of Warsaw, racially abused Czech player Theo Gebre Selassie, attacked stewards and waved extremist flags, Russia was handed a suspended six-point sanction and a $130,000 fine from UEFA. Can't wait for 2018, can you?
Divisions arose early in Spain's Euro12 campaign but, fortunately, they've now been laid to rest. Turns out the players merely hate each others' guts.
The coach says his players are "cowards" and little wonder when your supporters look like this:
In any event, that claim will be tested tomorrow when Sweden faces England and the rampaging heart of Fabio Capello.
The Circus does not know how Ukraine is travelling, it is too fascinated with this young fan's haircut to care:
'There was a big effort from Spanish midfielders but without a striker the team was sterile."
- Jose Mourinho’s assessment of Spain’s opening match against Italy is bad news for the adherents of eugenics who were hoping to build the Spanish team of the future.